I was 5 years old when my parents got divorced. The year was 1990, and it was practically already decided, before my parents even filed, that my older sister and I would spend the majority of time with our mom. Luckily, within about a year, my mom had remarried, so she had my stepdad around to help out financially and otherwise. But no one really batted an eyelash at the fact that my sister and I only saw my dad twice a week. Back then, that was pretty much considered normal. Actually, it seemed like I saw my dad more than other kids with divorced parents saw theirs. These days, it's not unusual for dads to see their kids more. But in truth, custody arrangements haven't changed all that much. Most divorced moms still see their kids more often and get child support from their exes. Many courts still see moms as the default parent. And many co-parents are OK with that arrangement.
When I got separated two years ago, I felt differently. Though I was struggling financially, I was far more concerned with having the time to make it on my own rather than getting money from my ex-husband. I also strongly felt that my kids should get to see their dad as much as they saw me. Call me crazy, but I felt like a 50/50 visitation schedule was fair. I felt like I deserved my time every bit as much as my ex deserved his.
Truthfully, I didn't want my kids full-time. I wanted my ex to do his share. And I wanted time to see friends, work, and maybe, ya know, go on a date here and there.
In 2020, you'd think this arrangement would be the norm — dads should do as much as moms, right? But it isn't. Most moms still carry the load. But what's worse is that we're taught to feel OK with that. We're taught to believe it's selfish if we desire something different. I'd argue that it's selfish for dads to expect that moms routinely do more, even after a split.
In many cases, an unfair balance was the reason for a divorce in the first place. Ask even decently happily married people with kids what their biggest argument is about. Chances are, it's about how the mom feels she's constantly doing more and, in turn, struggling with her own priorities. Because, yes, we have them, too.
A lot of people think that moms make out pretty well in a divorce. They often get more time with the kids, and they often get child support. But I have a hard time believing that's what every mom wants. Don't some of us also want a life outside of our children, too? Ya know … like dads get practically without even asking?
The truth is, I had to fight to see my kids less. And I know that sounds completely awful, but I'm still glad I did it. My ex-husband wasn't on board. He wanted to have the kids two nights a week while I had them the remaining five. We started there, and gradually I began asking for, then insisting on, more time on my own.
It doesn't seem like it should be a tough argument to win, because they are 50% his children, right? But at times, I felt like I was beating my head against a brick wall. He wanted more free time, and I was expected to simply be OK with that. Sometimes when I thought too hard about it, I felt enraged at the double standard.
Turns out, I'm not the only mom in the world who thinks dads should do their fair share of parenting after a divorce. Emma Johnson is the author of several books about being a single mother. And she's also the founder of a group called Moms for Shared Parenting. She says that, contrary to popular belief, research finds that shared parenting, meaning 50/50 custody, is actually what's best for children.
She says, "The only way we will ever have gender equality is if men and women share parenting time and responsibilities equally — whether we are married, divorced, or never married. The motherhood pay gap is real and especially pronounced for single moms. There is so much societal pressure and cultural norms that tell moms we should be the primary parent, that children need us to helicopter (aka 'bond') 24/7 and we are selfish if we want careers and wealth."
Emma continues, "Thankfully, a review of 62 peer-reviewed studies found that kids in separated families do best when they spend approximately equal time with both parents."
This research is incredibly important and groundbreaking, because not only will it help moms to realize that they deserve a co-parent who does half of the work, they will also be reassured to know that it's good for their kids, too. Also, it helps back moms in court.
"Also, I recently conducted a survey of 2,300 single moms and found that those who share parenting time 50/50 are more likely to earn more, less likely to be poor, and be happier and prouder about their single motherhood — and 9/10 moms surveyed said that they could earn more money and invest in more self-care if they had more equality in their co-parenting," Emma says. When it comes to custody arrangements, that's huge.
I did finally get my ex to agree to 50/50 custody. But it wasn't without effort. For me, though, it's been worth it. Now I feel like I have the time I need to work and to earn my own money — and to have a life outside of work and my kids.
There are a lot of reasons why moms deserve a co-parent and not just a co-parent who sees their kids a couple of times a week while mom remains the default parent. Turns out, I might not be that different in my expectations than other women in the same situation.
The good news is, it seems like moms are starting to finally say it.
