Marriage proposals can be tricky. For starters, the person doing the proposing should probably make sure that they've discussed the idea of getting married with their partner at least a little bit. It would be awful to assume someone wants to marry you only to be turned down. Some couples also want to plan their proposal together, so it's important to know if your partner wants to be in on the planning process.
One woman recently shared with Reddit that she and her boyfriend of three years have had a lot of conversations about how he would propose to her. She is fully on board with getting married, and has been looking forward to the proposal for about a year.
"One of the things we discussed a year ago was ideas about how he wanted to propose. He talked about a proposal in the mountains, or in a forest; something outdoors, simple but romantic to us. I was very happy and excited, not to mention we live between mountains and forests so it was also easily accessible."
Sounds dreamy, right? Except … that's not how the proposal went.
She also says they had talked this over more than once.
"We have been discussing this many times, even dropping ideas of which mountain would be the most romantic (we hike together, so we thought the very first mountain we've been to for example)," she wrote. "We also discussed who should propose who, he told me he really wanted to be the one doing it."
It sounds like the proposal means a lot to her, especially the details. So it's easy to understand why she's a little frustrated that the real proposal happened differently.
"Yesterday, after I came back home from work exhausted, we cooked, watched tv and at some point I went to the hallway to hang a coat," she explained. "He followed me and he proposed. Between the shoes on the floor, the kitchen and the restroom, he was kneeling."
"I couldn't believe it. It was such a disappointment knowing what we always talked about. I felt let down, had a lot of thoughts at once in my head," the poster explained.
“Here is my probable [expletive] move: I was so hurt, I couldn’t say a word. Couldn’t even accept it. I looked at him, looked around me as I couldn’t believe where he proposed, felt the tears in my eyes. I nodded, and walked past him to lay on the bed and cry.”
Clearly, she was really upset by what happened, so her boyfriend tried to figure out why.
"He took some time before following me and asking if anything was wrong," she noted. "Told him I expected something different but would marry him regardless. My friends are mixed about it, but a few of them did say I was being ungrateful and that it's the thought that counts: he wants to marry me after all, and maybe this is the only thing that counts."
Most of the commenters are split, too — so much so that the woman felt like she had to address many of their comments directly in the body of her original post.
"'Maybe he was too excited to propose and couldn't wait?' This is certainly possible, many of you commented that this is what happened to them. I am not aware if that's the case yet, I will have to ask him tonight."
She also addressed people who had been on the receiving end of a similar proposal and who liked it.
"'Well, my partner proposed [this way] and I'm happy about it!' I'm happy that this worked for you. Not everyone shares your view on engagement, what consists of a romantic gesture. And it's okay! The important thing is that both parties are alright with it in the end. This didn't work for me."
Luckily, plenty of people also had really great advice.
"After all that discussion, I'd ask him what prompted him to propose right then," suggested one commenter. "You can't help how you felt. I would judge differently if you two hadn't discussed how to propose. I'd be a little miffed, like why the big lead up then? But you should explain that the big lead up lead to bigger expectations."
Another person pointed out that if her friends are judging her response, then they're being a little hypocritical.
"If a proposal is a proposal and it doesn't matter because it's the marriage that is important (and apparently, two things can't be done right), then an acceptation is an acceptation and it doesn't matter because it's the marriage that is important," one commenter noted. "Except that they don't believe this. They blame you. They see a problem in your reaction. Because clearly, they don't believe in it themselves. Your reaction wasn't great but the proposal sucked and your friends are hypocrites."
Another person pointed out that yes: it's important to acknowledge and be sensitive to her boyfriend's feelings, but her feelings matter, too.
"Also, this really comes down to respecting your feelings equally!" wrote another commenter. "Why is it more important to consider his feelings (he maybe was so happy in this moment so he proposed; your reaction hurting his feelings) but not yours (excitement leading up to the proposal; hurt & disappointment when in happened). It's really unfair to say one is more relevant than the other!"
The woman updated her post to say that she's read nearly everything people offered, and has come to a few conclusions of her own.
"I decided to apologize for my behavior because I most probably hurt him. He's my partner, I don't want to hurt him, no matter what."
She also defended herself, but is happy that they're getting married.
"Considering the amount of things we talked about for a year or so, and how easy it was to make something we seemingly both wanted at some point, I now believe I have a right to being disappointed, while being happy because he proposed. This is absolutely not a deal breaker for me."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
