I have a confession to make. I've been a single parent for over three years now, and the holidays still freak me out. There's so much to worry about, from buying gifts to making plans with family to ensuring my kids get time with their dad. There's making the house feel Christmassy enough. And then, of course, making sure I feel Christmassy enough. Though, these days, I'm mostly faking it until the holiday has passed.
But while there is so much to do, and when you're a single parent, it all falls on you, that's not even the hardest part of the holidays. The hardest part of the holidays is simply trying to ward of the feeling that you aren't doing enough, giving your kids enough magic. That's especially hard the first time you attempt to do it all.
Yes, you are just one human person. But the holidays don't care about that. The holidays have their list of demands and it's up to you to get it all done. With a smile, a Christmas cookie in one hand, and some jingle bells in the other. The holidays don't give a damn that you're just a single mom trying to survive until January. Nope. They don't.
Still, I've been doing this for a few years so I've gotten better at it. And for me, that means trying to cut myself some slack. For a while, I tried to make everything magical and largely, that meant keeping our traditions the same. But I soon learned that I couldn't do it all on my own. I had to make some adjustments.
That first year, though, when I was trying to do it all — that was a doozy. I didn't want my kids to miss out on anything because they didn't have their family all under one roof. So, I bent over backwards to give them the best Christmas ever. I'm guessing a lot of single parents make this mistake when it's their first holiday in two households.
Either way, I did all the things. I took them to the Christmas tree farm, like we had always done, and sawed that sucker down myself. I made every batch of cookies I normally made. I got them an epic amount of gifts that I couldn't afford. And I made sure we didn't miss any of our holiday traditions. That meant we saw friends, family, Christmas tree lightings. You name it, we did it.
It should go without saying that I was exhausted and spent a lot of time crying that holiday season. On top of everything I was trying to do, I was also struggling internally with the fact that, no matter what, I'd be coming home all alone on Christmas night. It was the thing I'd been dreading, but no amount of Christmas magic could make it go away.
There has been a lot of adjusting over the past few years. And while my kids have had to do plenty of it, so have I. Really, I've had to reign in my expectations of what I can accomplish without completely losing my mind. I've had to buy fewer gifts. I've had to do a whole lot less decorating. I only make one batch of cookies now — the sugar cookie recipe I always made with my grandmother.
The holidays are pretty much always hard. I accept that now. But at least I've learned to control the aspects that I can control. I might still be alone come Christmas night, after all of the gatherings are finished and my kids head to their dad's house. But it's just one night of my life. And when I really think about it, being alone is better than arguing with someone throughout the entire holiday season, only to end up feeling alone anyway.
I am genuinely happy to be a single mom. The only problem is that around the holidays, that gets a little harder to rememeber. It's tough not to look around at what everyone else is doing this time of year and feel sad or jealous. It's hard to hold onto Christmas joy when sometimes, you're just trying to find enough regular joy to go around.
I can't say I'm much of a holiday person anymore, but there are still things that I love about Christmas. I love the way our lit up tree makes my house feel at night. I love eating those sugar cookies and watching a few select Christmas movies. I love seeing my kids get the gifts they've been asking for for months.
The holidays are absolutely still hard, even after years doing them on my own. But it's always been about the little things, the little moments. If I can hold onto those until the new year, then that's merry enough for me.
