When I realized that I didn't want to be married anymore, I had a lot of foolish ideas about what it would feel like when I wasn't. Most of them were way off base because, for one, I imagined life would get easier in just about every way. Truth be told, life has gotten harder on a lot of levels since my marriage ended. But here's the thing about the challenges in front of me now: I'm happy to rise to them.
Still, this path isn't easy. It's 10 times harder than I imagined. I absolutely underestimated the depth of loneliness I would feel going through life on my own. There is no one to lift me up, or scratch my back, or run to the grocery store on their way home from work. Sometimes, it's 100% fine. Other times, it's hard as hell. It's so hard that I'm often exhausted by my own feelings. At the same time, it's the most free I've ever felt.
I don't think every woman who feels the slightest twinge of unhappiness should leave their marriage and run toward freedom. I happen to think that if a relationship really nurtures you in the right ways, then that is an incredible thing. I also think it's far more rare than people make it out to be. More often than not, I think people stay in bad relationships because they're terrified of being alone. Now more than ever, I understand why.
Being single, especially around the holidays, is tremendously challenging. And I feel all of those things. I feel sad and lonely, and sometimes I just want someone to be sweet to me. I want kindness and gentleness. But the new relationships I've begun haven't lasted. And when I really look at why, it's because those people couldn't give me the things I knew I needed and deserved. So far, the only person who has been there for me, through it all, is me.
Maybe that's OK, though. I mean, what if we just flipped the script? What if contentment, rather than a relationship, was the ultimate goal? Because seriously, venturing out into the world alone, as a woman, might be terrifying, but it's also a beautiful, brave thing to do and to be.
We don't have many examples of that. I mean, people are even trying to ship Lizzo, queen of empowerment, with Chris Evans. Let a single woman be. The idea that we're always better when we're in a relationship just isn't so. But it's really hard to get away from the idea that the relationship is the end goal.
Personally, I love going on dates. I'm happy to try people on and see how they fit. I genuinely enjoy getting to know people and even, gasp, having sex. But as far as long-term commitments go, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not cut out for them. Would it be such a terrible thing if maybe I wasn't?
There are things I miss about being in a relationship, even one that doesn't fully fulfill me. There is comfort there — that much is true. But I don't ever want to stay in a relationship because it's comfortable again, or because getting out of it requires too much work.
The thing I'm realizing now is that when you're out on your own, when you're not tied to something that doesn't uplift you or force you to dig deeper into yourself, doing things that are hard feels meaningful. Even when you're going to be alone, knowing you aren't numbing yourself to sleep with a bottle of wine and a Xanax because you don't really love the relationship you're in feels good.
It's all hard, though. And it's definitely not for everyone. Not everyone wants to keep digging deeper into their own soul, which is exactly what you need to do in order to make it on your own. I get that! But I have to say, more than anything, I've learned more about myself, what I need, and who I want to be in the past three years of being a single mother than I ever have. Yes, it can be lonely, excruciating, and downright sad at times. But slowly, I feel myself becoming more sure of who I am all the time. Part of that comes from going through things on my own and knowing I can. The other part comes from unlearning the concept that I can't or shouldn't be alone.
Spending practically all your time alone makes you less afraid of being alone. And I am definitely not afraid of that — which means I'm more free than most people. I never need a date to go out to eat or go to the movies. I even started going on vacations by myself, which is kind of blissful because you're on only your schedule. My solo vacay last year was maybe the best one of my life.
I'll never be one to sugarcoat exactly how much it hurts to get out of a marriage, even one that isn't what you want it to be. But I will be the first one to tell anyone who feels like they aren't living a life that feels authentic that being a solo female is a pretty incredible existence. My life doesn't always feel easy. In fact, it rarely does. But it does feel like my own.
Solo men aren't anomalies. But women should also know that their lives belong to them — that it's OK to want to embrace all of the little things that make them who they are. I want to tell them that it's OK to leave, even if it hurts someone.
I want to tell them that this single mom life is hard as hell, but if they've been numbing their soul for years, for everyone else's comfort, there's probably nothing they can't handle.
For a long time, I ping-ponged from relationship to relationship because I thought I needed someone to complete me. I worried about the depths of despair I might find myself in if I was alone for too long. Well, been there, done that. At this point, it would be pretty hard to settle, and perhaps that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's OK to stop looking for a partner and instead decide to be completely content.
Either way, I'm not looking for my other half anymore. I'm whole just as I am. No one can tell me any different.
