When I first started dating after the end of my marriage about four years ago, I had a pretty specific idea of who I thought I wanted to date. But over time, my thoughts about the kind of people who might be good for me, even the kinds of relationships I wanted to have, have shifted over and over again.
Lately, I've been experimenting with dating all kinds of different people — from men who aren't looking for a relationship to men who are 10 years younger than me. Just last night, I went on my first date ever with a married man.
I had my doubts about being able to find a connection with someone who is married — and happily, at that — but it turned out to be a great night. In fact, it might've been the best date I've had in years.
Before someone paints a scarlet A on my door, let me explain. I met the man I went out with last night on a dating app. His profile clearly states that he and his wife are in an ethically non-monogamous, or open, marriage. Because I've been getting more and more comfortable opening myself up to forming less-traditional connections, I didn't shy away from giving him the old right swipe — something just a few months ago, I would've steered away from.
Because I'm still new to dating people in ENM relationships, I had questions for him. So we started off the dating sipping wine and talking about his marriage. That might sound totally weird, but it was great to find out exactly where he is in his journey with opening up his marriage. Turns out, he was pretty new to it. His wife had recently started dating someone else, and he had only been out with one other woman before meeting me. Since the entire concept is also fairly new to me, it felt like a great place to start.
The date only got better from there. This guy felt like a breath of fresh air. He asked me about myself and inquired about not just my job and my kids, but my feelings about different aspects of my life. He was kind and cuter than his pictures, and he paid for dinner (which … I don't know who is telling you guys not to do this, but, never hurts). I felt connected to him quickly, and I wondered how much of A++ efforts on the date had to do with the fact that he's married.
I imagine that might be true for a few reasons. For one, he's clearly very dedicated to his marriage, so much that he and his wife decided to do something off-beat in order to make their marriage work. And I could definitely feel that commitment from him even while we were spending time together. But the transparency was really refreshing, too. Being able to hear him talk about his marriage actually made me feel more attracted to him, which came as a surprise to me.
I also felt his commitment … in the bedroom. It was clear that making sure I enjoyed myself was a priority. And honestly, in all aspects, from the conversation to the sex, that's just so appreciated. This guy wasn't just out for himself. He genuinely wanted to connect with me. I mean, that was why he and his wife decided to open up their marriage in the first place — not just for sex, but for connection. So it makes sense that he was intentional in making sure that happened.
Dating a married guy is definitely not for everyone. But I'm personally happy I took the plunge. I'm sure I'll have more adjusting and readjusting of my expectations if I keep dating married guys. But that feels like more of a learning process than a renegotiation of what I want. There are plenty of men I could couple up with exclusively. But maybe that's not quite right for me.
I'm a very independent person, who has often struggled to fit into traditional relationships. Marriage made me feel trapped, at best. Long-term relationships, where melding lives together feels like an expectation, has sometimes made me panic. And as a single mom, I value both alone time and time spent with my kids. The truth is, sometimes I feel like I'm a better version of myself when I'm not in a full-blown exclusive relationship anyway.
The thing that I really like about taking away traditional dating concepts is that it allows you to tune in more fully to what might work for you. Personally, when I took away the question, "Are they good for me long term?" — when I wasn't looking for someone to settle with — the options became kind of … limitless.
Married men and all.
