This story was written in February, 2022.
A few months back, I met a drummer at his band's show who I instantly (I mean instantly) developed a massive crush on. I hadn't had a crush like that in years. As a divorced mom of two, I've started to guard myself a little more tightly. These days, it takes time for people to grow on me. But this was undeniable and mega, so much that it terrified me a little bit.
I started talking with him, and we ended up making plans to hang out, but I couldn't ignore the fact that something felt really different. While he had seemed really open and interested in getting to know me at first, I felt like he had too much going on. He seemed preoccupied, and it was driving me crazy. Finally I just asked him what his deal was.
As it turned out, he was preoccupied because he was in relationships with other women. Yes. Relationships. As in, more than one.
More from LittleThings: These Mothers Will Go Down In History For Being #MegaMoms, Here's Why
The drummer told me he was polyamorous, and right away, I decided it wasn't for me. I liked him so much, I imagined that the only ending would be one where I got massively hurt by the fact that I wasn't the only woman in his life. Probably because I like a challenge, though, that wasn't the end of it.
I tried to stop talking to him, but I couldn't. I didn't care if that meant it was just a friendship we were forming. I just wanted more of him, and he seemed to want more of me.
Eventually, texting and sending each other an obscene number of memes turned into making plans to hang out. And … because my crush on him was undeniably massive, hanging out turned into making out on my living room couch.
I liked him even more after spending time together. I couldn't make myself stop thinking about him. But when I thought too hard about him spending time with other women, it made me feel insecure and vulnerable. I told him for the second, maybe third (???) time that I was out. Polyamory just wasn't for me. I was too emotional. Too insecure. Too jealous. But hey, who isn't jealous when they think about the guy they like spending time with other women, right?
Still, the experience had forced me to examine my own ideas about dating and relationships more closely. I was pushing back hard against the idea of spending time with someone who was polyamorous really only because it felt extremely different from what I was used to. But the thing is, I'm not traditional when it comes to relationships in the first place. Monogamy hasn't exactly been my best friend, and it's also true that I deeply like my alone time, my space, and my personal freedom. I don't like the idea of someone having ownership over me or who I spend my time with, either.
The more I thought about polyamory, the more I understood why people have the desire to do it. Monogamy isn't realistic for a lot of people, for starters. But examining your insecurities is also a really healthy practice that poly relationships sort of force you to do.
I mean, I had only even dipped my toe into it and I was already looking straight at all of the reasons I felt insecure: I wondered, if he wants to be with other women, is it because I'm not good enough? Are the other women prettier, smarter, funnier, or just overall better than me in some way? I realized that I was only pushing him away because of those (probably very deeply rooted) feelings.
In talking to the drummer and to other people who identify as being polyamorous, I started to let a different perspective in. My jealousy might've been a completely normal human response — and the only one I knew having only been either single or in monogamous relationships — but that didn't mean that there was anything necessarily wrong with wanting multiple partners.
Now that I'd had some time to catch up, I kept talking to drummer. But while I could maybe change my thinking, I didn't know if I could change my feelings. I didn't know if I'd be able to abandon like three and a half decades of programming overnight. I knew I probably couldn't.
My hopes weren't all that high for us falling in love or even forming a relationship. But because I liked him and because I was curious enough, and because men who challenge me are devastatingly hard for me to avoid, I did do something that helped me to chill the eff out, at least in the short term. I started say something simple to myself each time I felt my insecurities creeping in on me. I'd say, "It's not about me."
I've only hung out with the drummer a handful of times. I enjoy his company, no question. Part of me wants to keep exploring seeing him, while we both explore seeing other people. The other part wants to run fast and far.
While I'll happily embrace casually dating multiple people (and I often do), if I like someone enough to know I'd definitely want them around for a while, I'm not sure I'd be able to share them. I'm still trying to figure out what all of that means for this potential relationship. Either way, I've learned a lot.
When I first found out the drummer was poly, I basically rolled my eyes. I don't see it like that anymore. I see it as a belief system that is based heavily in trust and communication. Honestly, it's a level of maturity that I'm not sure I can achieve when it comes to my romantic relationships, for better or for worse.
There are some pieces of polyamory that I honestly think would make perfect sense for me as a fairly nontraditional human who has struggled in monogamous relationships in a pretty big way. At the same time, maybe I'm just too intensely programmed to want one perfect guy I can't stop thinking about, who feels the same way about me, and for us to be able to figure out how to meet one another's needs. Even if I've never felt content in a monogamous relationship before, that's still where my emotional thermometer tells me I am.
At this point in my dating career, that truly sounds somewhat foolish, though. I'm not sure there is a perfect person for me who will be able to meet my needs in a way that doesn't feel strained. I've realized that all relationships are a ton of work — whether those relationships are monogamous or polyamorous. It's really just about what works for each individual person.
I have no idea what will happen with the drummer. Chances are, I'll have an emotional meltdown any day about his life choices that I know I can't change. But no matter what happens, I feel genuinely grateful to have been invited into someone's world that is so different from mine and to have learned about how and why it works for him.
Polyamory may never be for me, but wading into the shallow waters of it have reassured me that my own relationships can be unique to me. They don't have to fit anyone else's mold or look any certain way. That gives me hope for my own romantic future.
