This won't be the most relatable story you read today. At least, we hope it won't be.
A British man issued a plea to his community to please, for the sake of decency and art, stop humping his shrub.
Keith Tyssen has been maintaining "Gloria" since 2010. Once you see her, you'll understand why he's having problems keeping "drunken louts" off his property.
The not-infrequent encounters with random strangers is problematic for multiple reasons. On the one hand, the noise made by fornicating with his hedge wakes the elderly man up in the middle of the night, but even worse is the havoc it wreaks on Gloria's figure. "Someone will squeeze the breasts," explains Tyssen, "so that will damage it."
And that's far from the most absurd quote from this story. So let's waste no more time before taking a glance at Gloria's sultry figure, hearing a bit more about her story from the elderly caretaker, and seeing the predictably hilarious reactions from Twitter!
One of these bushes is not like the others.
See her there? Leaning back, relaxed, and looking longingly at the street?
Even though you probably don't condone strangers fornicating with shrubbery, you can at least understand why it might happen.
https://twitter.com/OliConstable/status/1022443711731511296
Like we said, the stories and anecdotes surrounding Gloria's life are… interesting, to say the least.
Obviously, Twitter is having a field day with this one.
Everyone's got jokes and puns for this one. It's the type of story that begs to be laughed at!
We're not entirely sure sensual bushes qualify as "nice things," but who are we to judge?
This is one of our favorites. It's referencing this quote from the original interview: "She'd been manipulated in the night by some drunken lout and I thought she looked rather despairing, so I took this plastic white string of beads and I put it around her neck to boost her morale."
Clearly Keith is a big old sweetheart, so we're not sure he'd try out this suggestion:
That would certainly stop some of the more aggressive violators, and maybe put an end to one of the more bothersome parts of his life.
Guys, you're messing up Keith's sleep schedule. How's he supposed to get a solid eight hours with you fooling around with his hedge in the middle of the night?
Another one of the more brilliant explanations from Keith about Gloria's troubled life.
People are up in arms, ready to come to Gloria's defense.
Our thoughts are with you, Gloria. Sending good vibes your way.
This one was clearly meant sarcastically, by the way, playing off the very real angst some people are feeling about the situation.
Gloria might not be the traditional figurehead for a women's rights movement, but she's a good example!
But the jokers far outnumber those taking the situation seriously.
https://twitter.com/RogerTh71142375/status/1022625725252128768
Keith is Jack, and Gloria is his Rose.
https://twitter.com/anneh222/status/1022659748058095616
And really, if Keith didn't want the attention, he could have shaped his hedge into literally any other shape!
