I grew up in an abusive and unpredictable home, and many of my memories are painful and cause anxiety and anger. But not every minute of every day was horrible, and I have good memories too. The holidays were a mix of excitement and disappointment — yay Santa and the Easter Bunny! Boo family fights and palpable tension!
When I moved away from home and had kids of my own, it was an opportunity to make new memories for myself while providing a much different childhood for my kids than what I had. Sometimes I’m too hard on myself when I think I’m messing up, and other times my kids’ actions or words let me know I’m doing better than I think. I know my kids love me, and I don’t need to hear them say it a lot, but I realized that I have been longing to know if they notice the traditions I have built into our holidays. This is the first year that I can confidently say that my kids are finally looking forward to and appreciating the expectations and the repeat performances of the holiday season.
My oldest is almost 10 and my twins are 7, so my kids are still little and can be raging, self-absorbed punks, but they are old enough to think outside of themselves a bit to not just wonder what they will enjoy as individuals but what they will enjoy as a collective part of our family. When my kids found out we wouldn’t be traveling to see family for Thanksgiving because of COVID-19, they were frustrated but then worried about what would happen to their Hanukkah and Christmas plans. I reminded them that we don’t travel for those holidays so nothing would happen to those days, but their worry was in the details of what made our holidays special.
Thanksgiving means travel to them. Hanukkah means gelt, latkes, and candles. Christmas means donuts on Christmas morning around the tree, which we cut down and haul home ourselves. To them the cancellation of travel seemed to jeopardize Thanksgiving, and that was due to the pandemic. They were worried the pandemic would cancel what they knew of the rest of the holiday season.
I hate that any child has had to worry about the alterations of everyday life and special events because of COVID-19, but I loved that my kids had a clear image of what was important to them. They weren’t worried about presents and goodies — they still planned on those — but they were worried about the loss of our experiences.
I quickly checked the website of the local tree farm we visit each year and assured my kids that the farm was open for business but with a few COVID-related adjustments. “Good because we need our stump,” my son said. My daughters chimed in with enthusiastic agreement. “Our stump” is the chunk of tree I cut from the bottom of our Christmas tree each year before placing the tree in the stand. I cut the tree as close to the ground as possible and then cut another 6 inches up to secure a section of the trunk to save. I write the year on the wood in permanent marker and add it to the collection of Christmas tree trunks of past years. I envision making the top of an end table or trivets out of them someday, but the final product isn’t important at this point. What is becoming increasingly obvious is that my kids love knowing they each have discs from years of Christmas trees.
Another yearly tradition we have is a holiday scavenger hunt with the kids’ faux cousins. On a whim 11 years ago when my “niece” was 5 years old, I decided to make a scavenger hunt for her to find the art supplies and other treats I bought for her for Christmas. It was so much fun that I did it the following year and then the next. We then added her sister, my oldest, and then my twins. After talking to my friend and nieces’ mom, we decided a virtual hunt would be the safest choice this year. I was excited to tell my kids that the hunt would still go on, and I expected them to be excited, but when they found out they wouldn’t get to be with their cousins, they were bummed. The joy around this tradition wasn’t in the gifts they unwrapped; the joy was in the togetherness I had created through an organic idea that took hold years ago.
I can count on the reality that not all of my kids’ memories will be full of warm fuzzies and rainbows. But I can also count on the fact that they won’t be the traumatic and painful ones I hold about my own childhood. I have used the holidays to create new memories through new traditions, and I’m glad my kids look forward to them as much as I do.
