Merging families through marriage can be a challenge. You're not just expanding a group of people but incorporating individuals with many different opinions and viewpoints. A new father took to Reddit with a dilemma regarding his racist father-in-law.
The first-time dad explained that his father-in-law expresses problematic viewpoints. The father-in-law doesn't feel the need to change because of his age. He simply writes off his behavior as being that of a certain generation and continues on. The new dad has expressed his discomfort with racist commentary from his father-in-law with both him and his wife. His father-in-law disregarded the comments. His wife is fine with tolerating it as her father's way.
The new dad isn't content to just deal with it now that they've welcomed a child. He's worried his father-in-law's problematic opinions are going to rub off on his kid, and rightfully so. He addressed the situation with his wife but has found that the two of them are at odds. He turned to Reddit to find out whether or not he was in the wrong and how he should proceed.
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A new dad took to Reddit after having a disagreement with his wife over how to handle his racist father-in-law. He explained that while this behavior isn't new, the circumstances of his child's birth have changed his willingness to tolerate it.
"My wife (30F) just gave birth to our first baby boy. Her father, 70M, often says the n-word and is just in generally not very accepting of the black community," he explained in his post.
The original poster (OP) explained that the recent protests surrounding the death of George Floyd have made his father-in-law's behavior more prominent and more frequent.
"He has gotten so much worse in the past week with all of the current events: throwing the n-word around left and right and just being discriminatory," he noted. "I guess that this is just the 'old generation' but nonetheless that is completely a dealbreaker for me."
OP doesn't agree with his father-in-law's views. It's an issue he's addressed with his wife in the past.
"I have put up with family gatherings with him for our entire relationship," he explained. "If it was my father I'd cut him off immediately but I can't make that decision for her so I keep my peace."
He's also made sure to let his father-in-law know that his use of racial slurs makes him uncomfortable. "I have told him I don't like the word respectfully but he just keeps doing it," he explained.
The fact that his father-in-law has ignored this was made more difficult with the birth of his first grandchild.
"I'm old enough to make to decisions, my child is just born and will absorb what is around him," he explained. He decided to address the issue with his wife again.
"I told my wife I do not want him around our son unless he refuses to say the word."
From the way the story is told, it seems that OP's wife approached her father with this, but he shut her down. "He says he will say whatever he wants because he's 70-years-old," OP noted. What was more disconcerting was how his wife was willing to turn the other cheek on this behavior.
"My wife agrees and thinks I am being controlling," he said. "I think I have good morals and want what is best for my kid."
Commenters had a lot of feelings on OP's predicament. As one commenter noted, "70 is not that old anymore."
Another added, "70 is boomer, they lived through the civil rights movement. He is choosing to be on the wrong side of history. You can't control him but you certainly have an obligation to keep your son away from toxic people and bad influences."
When it came to OP's wife, the feelings were mixed. Some asked if he addressed this issue as it regarded their baby with her before she gave birth, noting that this isn't a conversation that should've waited until their child was born. In response to one of these comments, OP explained that he did broach the conversation before, but he now recognizes his wife wasn't taking him seriously.
Many were frustrated with OP's wife asking him to look the other way on racist behavior and questioned why she would be OK with that transpiring around her child.
"I hate to tell you, but if your wife doesn't draw that boundary, then she doesn't believe there needs to be a boundary. Let's hope it's just because she's tired and scared and needs to pick her battles, and this ain't it," a commenter wrote.
"But pay attention over the next year or so to see if she tells you she's racist by implying or outright saying that white people are superior, either because we are naturally better or bc we behave better or bc we have a better culture. The N-word from an old man is the least of your problems if your wife believes her dad is correct but knows how to hide it."
"Right now, and for the next few months, keep your peace completely. Hold your tongue because your kid doesn't understand language. Look up 'grey rocking' and don't rise to his provocations (bc he will try to provoke you)," the commenter suggested.
"But during that time and for years afterwards, educate yourself, quietly & humbly, about racism. As your son's language center begins to blossom, fill his world with positive books and wonderful stories that are anti-racist. Not 'color blind' but anti-racist. Look it up."
A number of commenters have condemned OP for putting up with it longer than he should have. "How was this not a deal breaker ages ago? You just tolerated this behavior at family dinners? If you really want to protect your child, take a hard look at the behaviors you yourself are willing to let slide. Grow a spine, dude," wrote another commenter.
Many encouraged him to come to a compromise with his wife where the child isn't completely cut out of the grandfather's life but is well-aware the behavior is wrong.
"I feel you. But before you push your wife into a corner think of the following: perhaps she loves her dad despite his views. Perhaps she is not willing to rock the boat with her family. If you do love her, think of a compromise," one commenter encouraged.
“Maybe you can somewhat limit the visits? Maybe you can limit the time spent there. Another thought: why not approach it with the grandpa from a different angle. Inform him that if his grandkid says that word in front of others it would hurt him socially or even physically. And kids repeat what they hear. I doubt the grandpa will want the kid to suffer because of a word that can be omitted while your family is visiting.”
It's more common than you might think for families to encounter these kinds of issues, especially in today's extremely tense world. There are no easy answers. That said, there are plenty of opportunities to learn and grow and be better people.
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