There's no feeling quite like the one where you look down at your pregnancy test and see a positive. From that moment on, everything changes — from what you eat to the vacations you may have booked. Pregnancy changes you, no matter what. Whether your results lead to a healthy baby or a broken heart, that test will make things different.
Out of my close friend group, I was the only one who had kids on the brain. Even though I'm one and done, most of the people I was closest with at the time were child-free by choice. And that made me worried at first. Would they close me out once I became a mom? Would they think I was sharing too much? Should I keep my mouth closed when it came to "mom" stories? It was also tough when it came to questions I had about pregnancy. In a way, I felt somewhat alone while welcoming the news.
My friends were happy for me, yet a little puzzled.
I don't think I ever had the "I want a kid!" conversation with them, and I know why. At my core, I was puzzled about it as well. It was never a goal I had in mind for myself, but more of a loose "that would be nice" thought for the future. I think in my head, I never thought I'd be physically able to have kids. I was actually 10 weeks premature back in the '80s, and since everything seemed OK so far, I feared that would be the big bad health surprise that would be revealed decades later. That being said, I was a bit on edge about what could go wrong.
I told my friends at 16 weeks, a day before I told everyone else on social media. It was a surprise, to say the least. Of course, everyone was elated.
The baby shower was extra special.
It was nice taking pictures with my friends and my big belly. Even though I knew I was having a daughter, my husband wanted to keep it a surprise — so not too many people knew. (And the people who did literally worried me every day about spilling the beans, since that was the one thing that was very important to my husband. One slip did happen, but luckily, I was able to patch up that leak before it spread.)
The notes from my friends were really special. So many of them wished the best for my, at the time, unknown son or daughter. They all became honorary aunts without a doubt.
But things were different.
I think a lot of people assume that when motherhood hits, you no longer want to hang out or do anything that doesn't involve your newborn. But really, that's just the opposite. My social life took somewhat of a dive, as I was both working from home and taking care of a newborn. That said, I'm not blaming them for not asking me to hang out more.
I'm blaming myself for that. Because, after a few weeks alone with her and balancing everything, I didn't see hangouts as being quite possible in my already-crowded mom brain. Anxiety about everything grew. And then there was the fact that I now had a bunch of new contraptions I had to travel with. Being a nursing mom is really hard, especially when most of your friends live about a half hour away.
It's important to make new mom friends.
These friends won't replace the friends you already have — and if your friends are as amazing as mine, that's impossible anyway. But mom friends are a great way to help you keep balanced and have a group to go to when it comes to milestones. Many mom friends can be found online. You can also join an activity and hope to connect with another mom, even though that's often its own challenge.
Having friends who are different is a good thing no matter what. There's a big world out there filled with so many positive people who are dealing with similar situations as you. Don't be afraid to find them.
While my child-free friends love my daughter, they won't be able to relate to the parenting struggle.
Nor should they have to think about it. I remember my child-free times really well, and know that I, too, was annoyed by the new mom who overshared on Facebook. I can't expect people who choose not to parent to be excited about parenting stories. But it's all second nature to mom friends.
Mom friends are also great when it comes to product suggestions, creative games, and nursery decor ideas. Finding good mom friends is a struggle, but when you do connect, it makes things so much easier.
Still, non-mom friends show their love in other ways.
And these are ways I never could have expected. All of them bought presents for my daughter for her birthday this year, even though I never asked and didn't expect it. One sent her a sweet Valentine's Day card that she cherished when it arrived. And, of course, they do ask about her.
They don't ask about the daily stuff. But they've shown a natural interest in her that's very kind. I see my daughter as a friend, thus they've also welcomed her into the fold.
I learned that kids are a nonissue when it comes to long-lasting friendships.
All of us have grown in different ways. None of us are that interested in bar life anymore, or the same activities we did in our 20s. Now our conversations have grown.
That, in itself, is how you know a relationship is meant to last. With friends you truly care about, you know the conversation isn't just open to one subject. Me being a mom just meant that I had other things to talk about. And with time, they remembered that I'm not the kind of person who loses themselves with parenting. I'm a mom, but I'm still myself.
That said, some new moms do feel a bit more ostracized after the "honeymoon" period of parenting is over. If your friends shut you out solely because you mention your child, they just aren't built to last. A good friend should be so happy for your decision, even if it's one they wouldn't make for themselves.
Your best friends are the people you can grow with.
Even if your life goes in different directions, it's important to grow. It's thrilling to know that while we all think fondly of our 20s, it's something that's in the background. Our conversations may be different, but we're still the same people — just better versions.
Those first few months as a new mom are very hard, but even if your friends seem a little silent, it doesn't mean they don't care. They're more likely just waiting for you to help set the tone. They don't know your pumping or napping schedule, so they may feel hesitant to be the first to make plans.
Invite them over and make sure to talk about things other than just the baby. Ask how they're doing. Stay involved, and remember that their lives also include important milestones, even if they're different from yours. With true friends, the adjustment will eventually come.
