A lot of things happen after a couple decides to separate and divorce. If there are children involved, the ex-couple has to work together to come up with a co-parenting plan that supports their kids. If the couple have shared property, then they have to figure out how to divide it up. And if one person in the marriage changed their last name, they have to decide if they want to change it back. In this case, a woman has shared that she decided to keep her last name after her divorce since it's the name that she shares with her children.
Her ex-husband had no problem with the arrangement, and considering she has a ton of professional certificates and licenses under her name, it was easier for her to keep it. So far, it hasn't been an issue … but now her ex-husband has remarried, and her last name is becoming a sticking point for her ex-husband's wife.
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The woman writes on Reddit that up until now, things have been good: "My ex and I divorced 12 years ago. We have two children and share custody. We have a great co-parenting relationship and have had zero issues with anything since our divorce. My ex met his now-wife five years ago and we get along good as well. She is a good stepmom to my children and she treats them like they are her own. I have remained single by choice because I spend most of my time at work or with my children. I date occasionally but I am not looking for anything serious."
She adds that her ex and his girlfriend just got married, and it's great for everyone:
"My ex and his wife were married two weeks ago and I am very happy for both of them. I think it's great that they finally made it official and that they found happiness with each other."
Everything was going well until after the wedding, when the woman received text from her ex's new wife.
"Tonight my exes wife texted me the following:
“Her: So I think now that me and (ex) are married you should change your name. After all, there can be only one Mrs. (exes last name). (smiley emoji)
“Me: Hi (wife’s name). I hope you are both doing well. I’m a little confused as to why I would need to change my name.
“Her: Because we are married now and I’m his wife. I should be the only one with his last name.”
"Me: Ex and I have not been married for over 12 years. The reason I did not change my name is due to all my professional certifications and licenses. Ex and I agreed when we got divorced that it was too much of a hassle to change everything and I would keep my last name the same to avoid the stress and headache of having to do that.
“Her: Well that changes now. You WILL change your name immediately.”
Yikes! It sounds like the good relationship they've all had could be going out the window. The woman decided to take a minute to cool down before responding (which is a sensible move), but her ex wasn't into it:
"I didn't respond to the last text she sent and after about 10 minutes my ex called me and demanded to know why I upset her. I sent him screenshots of the texts and my replies and told him that this entire conversation is ridiculous and immature. He told me that maybe I should just change my name so he doesn’t have to deal with the drama. I told him I refuse. I said that again we agreed during the divorce I wouldn't change my name, and even if I wanted to, most of the state offices and courts are closed where we live and it would be near impossible to do."
She also added that there's nothing personal going on here:
"I told my ex that we haven't been married for 12 years, I have zero romantic feelings for him and that the only reason I have maintained a relationship with him is because of our children. I told him that they are our priority and we need to all get along to raise them as good co-parents. I told him that changing my name won't make me any less my kid's mother or his ex-wife and that unfortunately, the new wife needs to deal with it."
Her ex didn't see it this way. At all.
"He told me I was making his life difficult and wishes I would reconsider."
The woman updated her post with a few more supporting details that round out her decision to keep her last name:
"My children and I all have the same last name and that is again a reason I don't want to change it. While our oldest no longer lives at home (he's in the army) my youngest and I make frequent trips overseas to visit him whenever possible. So having the same name on our passports is easier."
The woman wanted to know if others on Reddit thought she should cave and change her last name, but most of the people who responded agree that she's not in the wrong here. One person suggested a petty (but funny) way the woman could respond:
"I'm a small petty person; I'd do a quick search online for ex's last name and send the results to her and ask if she's gonna contact each of them and ask them to change their names as well since there can only be one mrs. ex's last name , smiley face."
Another person pointed out that at this point, the last name is as much hers as it is his:
"I recommend you stop calling it 'his' name. It's your name. His name and your name happen to be the same, but it's just as much your name as it is his. He doesn't own it, and neither does the new wife. When I got divorced I was told it was 100% my decision whether or not to change my name back, my ex did not get a say in it whatsoever."
Plenty of people pointed out that the process of changing your name back after a divorce isn't exactly easy, and it would take hours and hours of work for the woman to have all of her certificates and licenses changed.
Ultimately, no one is in charge of her last name except for her.
If something as insignificant as a last name is enough to make her ex-husband's new wife feel bent out of shape, then it could speak to larger insecurities the wife has in her relationship.
"This is what gets me about that demand," she wrote, adding, "when I changed my name for marriage it was a change in my personal identity. It was a fairly big shift for me and took me a long time to adjust too and accept that new change. It is now my name, not someone else's, its mine. Socially and legally I am that name. No other person gets to demand I change my identity to suit their insecurities."
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