Married couples with children face many obstacles that can push focusing on their relationship to the bottom of the to-do list. Couples fall into traps, one partner may experience additional parenthood stress over the other, and date nights become nonexistent. But with open communication, special gestures, and committing to growing together, couples may be able to strengthen their relationships and avoid major pitfalls.
“While a marriage might endure a lifetime without any tending, the quality of that marriage will likely not be what you were hoping for if there is not intentional effort made,” Laura Petiford PMHNP, LMFT tells LittleThings. “All good relationships require the work of maintenance. It’s a risk to set your marriage on autopilot.”
Aaron Steinberg, MA, PCC, co-founder of Grow Together and co-author of In It Together: A Practical Guide for Balancing Roles and Responsibilities in Parenthood, tells LittleThings: “The unfortunate truth is that it’s very hard to keep the spark alive after kids. It’s natural to want to have it all — the amazing baby, the great home, the flourishing career, and the passion-filled relationship — but for many of us early parenthood probably isn’t going to be a time with much spark, and that doesn’t mean our relationship is broken."
"We don’t want to let our relationship fall by the wayside, and we have to make our intimate connection important, but we can also balance that with a mindset shift — understanding that this may be a season where we are more focused on the love that comes through co-nurturing our kids’ lives than romance.”
Steinberg says, “Every couple has at least one place where their needs feel at odds with each other. Some common examples are one person is a planner and the other likes to be spontaneous, one person is extroverted and the other introverted, or one person wants to connect when they feel stressed and the other wants space.
"When you have kids, these dynamics get much more severe. For example, if you have very limited time after your kids go to bed, it’s difficult to both give each other space and closeness, and one person is likely to feel snubbed. When one or both people’s needs are not getting met over and over again, the relationship starts to feel flat, both people can get resentful and feel incompatible with each other, and in severe cases start to lose hope that they can make it better.”
Surprising your spouse with special gestures is one way to keep investing in your relationship. “Doing thoughtful things for your spouse regularly is a great way to show you still see your partner and appreciate who they are,” says Petiford. “There’s also a science-based reason to make these sorts of efforts. Research shows there is a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative interaction that happy couples maintain over time. Building in these positive experiences will help keep your account full for the inevitable withdrawals that occur in relationships. Leaving a Post-It Note with sweet sentiments, offering a foot rub while you watch TV, bringing a first cup of coffee in the morning are all simple ideas that can be meaningful.”
Steinberg also suggests a “hack” and says, “Reflect on what your partner has been complaining about lately, especially about you and your behavior. Surprise them with an experience of the opposite. For example, if your partner is upset about you criticizing them, write them a letter that expresses every single thing they do that you admire and appreciate. You can even sit them down and read it to them. If your partner says you are too distant or on your phone too much, make a show of locking your phone away for the night and planning something fun for you to do at home where you give all your attention to them.”
Making time for each other should be a priority. Steinberg suggests, “To keep as much spark alive as we can, we have to create time and space outside of the parent identity and parent responsibilities, and this is true for both our connection as a couple and each of us as individuals. Each partner has to have the freedom to get some of their individual needs met and have some separation from the kid(s) and the partnership. If our only experience is the family all the time, there is no space for appreciation, admiration, and desire to arise. Yet, if we’re only two ships passing, there is no emotional bond from which to feel attraction and closeness that a long-term relationship spark is built on.”
It's not all about date nights out on the town. “Having date nights at home after the kids go to bed is completely sufficient, and sometimes even better than leaving,” says Steinberg. “The point of a date night is to reconnect as a couple, and to give yourselves the experience of something that lifts you up and makes you feel good, and the most important requirement is simply getting out of the routine.”
In her new book, Everything is (Not) Fine, Katie Schnack reveals she and her husband started having date nights at home during the pandemic after their young children went to bed. They cooked a fancy dinner together, played music, lit a candle, and hid behind a houseplant. “How the plant worked was we would set it right in the middle of our kitchen table so it blocked the view of the rest of our house,” says Schnack. “All we could see was each other, the candle, and our meal, for the most part. It helped us to mentally and physically have a barrier between us and the rest of our messy home — our messy lives.”
Steinberg says, “Whether you’re having a date night out or at home, the most important thing is to decide that you’re going to take time out of normal time to focus on each other and create a sense of spark between the two of you. This isn’t as hard as it sounds. You can share your high points and low points from the last week or month. You can share what you’re learning about yourself or working on. Talk about what you appreciate about each other and see the other carrying. Try stretching yourself to ask a question or clarify something that you’ve been too shy to ask, or to make a request or admit something that has felt too vulnerable. All of this will make you feel renewed and refreshed.”
Grand gestures can be made in simple ways. “If you have an impulse to send your partner a loving text, but feel overwhelmed, just make a point to stop what you’re doing for 20 seconds and send it. If you see your partner across the room and think they look cute, but you’d have to take two minutes away from dinner prep to tell them, just do it. If you’re passing by each other, give a hug or a kiss instead of just words.
"Make five extra minutes to cuddle before you fall asleep. Relationships are truly made or broken by the little things. These tiny gestures all up to feelings of closeness and compatibility, and letting them pass by add up to feeling disconnected and unsatisfied.”
Petiford adds, “Have fun as often as you can. Find reasons to laugh with each other. Life is a journey and you both deserve an enjoyable experience.”
