Woman Asks Her Partner To Cover Lost Income Up To $100K For A Year If She Has Their Baby

"I have known/been dating my wife for 6 years, and we have been spiritually married for 2 years. We are not legally married, although at this point we are essentially common law," he explained.

"We are both high earners (both earning over $175k a year after tax)."

"We purchased our home together and we have agreed to split the finances 50-50. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, everything 50-50, although I did pay for the cost of our rings and her engagement ring," he explained.

"Our mortgage payments were 50-50 and we comfortably own our home now, so much of our income goes to savings, investments, home improvements, and discretionary spending."

OP went on to explain that he and his wife intended on traveling and enjoying the world, but the pandemic had put that on hold indefinitely.

"A couple of months ago we had a talk and decided it might be a good time to have kids instead of continuously waiting for better or safer travel conditions," OP revealed.

"Without too serious discussion about it, we decided to stop using birth control and let things happen as they will."

OP came home to find his wife rushing her sister off the phone, which gave him the sense something was up. As he explained, the two weren't close and didn't speak often. Still, his wife wasn't acting unusual otherwise.

"Then she says she wants to have a serious talk, and asks me to make us some tea and meet her upstairs at her work desk," he shared.

"I make the tea, bring it up, and she starts talking financials."

"Her work place allows for maternity leave for up to a year, but only provides 50% of her salary for up to 6 months. The remaining 6 months is unpaid," he explained.

"She was very direct, and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital-related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a 6-month break from work would cost her almost $50,000 since her pay would be cut in half."

"Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it and I am not, given that our finances are separate," OP explained.

"She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, [and] listed some things that her insurance may not cover."

OP explained that he understood her logic, but that it was troubling him.

"I am really very turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child (or children?)," he said.

"She saw my hesitation and just doubled down. While her ideal is to return to work after 6 months, she says it's a real possibility that she may require more time off and decided, as things happen, to take up to a year off. So she had another plan drafted for that."

"For the first 6 months, her work will give her 50% of her salary, and I would compensate her for the rest, but for the next 6 months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is 'comfortable splitting the loss of her income,' and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second 5 month period," he shared.

"The idea I guess is that both of us 'suffer' half the loss of income for the second 6 month period. However, if she takes 7 to 11 months off, any months after the 6th can be prorated."

"There are also detailed notes about how she wants to keep housework split, with plans to start saving for both childcare and additional housekeeper expenses for at least the first four years," he continued.

"I kid you not, it's a 16 page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and a list of expenses."

"I really do not know how to process this. My first thought is shock, because, despite our salaries, $50k-$100k is a lot to demand," he leveled.

"The idea of a payment plan to have a child is just gross. And many couples manage to do this without paying their wives to have children. But then, I suppose most couples are married legally and a loss to one person's income is a loss to everyone. So in our situation, it makes logical sense, but there's something so transactional about it that puts a bad taste in my mouth."

"She's basically allowing me to think about it, but says if having kids is something we're going to do, she wants to write up an agreement and go to a lawyer (splitting the cost of that is ALSO in the binder)," he said.

There's something else still bothering OP.

"I am partially excited and scared that the timing of this means that she is actually currently pregnant and that my response to her will have real consequences if I disagree with her," he shared.

"She has previously had an abortion, and only told me after the fact because it was early into dating. I was shocked to learn that when I did, but supported her choice as it's her body, and at the time having kids would have been the wrong decision for us. Still, the fact that she makes decisions like that so independently has me incredibly cautious right now."

Many suspected there was a reason that OP's partner took this specific approach. For one, OP revealed in his comments that his partner was open to marriage with a prenup, but he was interested in a relationship he could walk away from when it no longer served him. Furthermore, OP is an actuary, so these facts and figures in the degree of detail they are laid out aren't entirely irrelevant to him.

Many felt OP's aversion came from the fact that she illustrated what it would take for the process to be truly equal. But the fact is that women take these losses, often without mention, and it conditions us to the silent sacrifices motherhood and, in many instances, co-parenting demand throughout a child's life.