Losing a parent is nearly always a very tough time for a child of any age, and especially for young children. It is also a tough time for the adult left behind, especially if they were in a relationship with the parent who passed.
One mom wrote on Reddit that she and her two children lost her husband two years ago. She has found herself in a new relationship and is planning to get married — but her boyfriend seems to have an issue with her kids visiting their dad's grave.
"I (31F) lost my ex husband two years ago. We were married for five years before he passed away due to cancer. He has given me two beautiful kids – twins – both six years (M)," the mom began.
"After his passing, initially, I used to visit his grave every week and I used to sit there with my sons, bring him flowers, my kids would often make cards. But then it became a monthly routine – the kids would get excited visiting 'daddy'. I have already had that talk with my kids (about their father passing, about why they don't see him around)."
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She met someone else when she least expected it.
"I met John* name changed (36M) last year. I wasn't looking forward to dating anyone, honestly, but he made me feel safe, gave me the space to grieve about my ex and he was great with the kids," she continued.
"He proposed to me two weeks ago. I was overjoyed and so were the kids (they love him so much). Yesterday, the kids and I were going out to visit my ex's grave as we do every month. My fiance seemed like he was upset about it but didn't say anything when we were leaving. I asked him if he wanted to come and he said no."
He says he should be their dad now.
"Cut to yest evening, when we were having dinner and the kids were talking about how they told their 'daddy' about John. He again seemed upset and changed the topic. When we were going to bed, I asked him again.
"He said that he was 'the kids' dad now' and he feels left out when we go to my ex's grave. I told him that he can come along, even pointed out that I did ask him if he wanted to that day. I have also asked him if he wanted to previously."
And that the trips are unhealthy.
"He said I'm creating an unhealthy attachment for the kids with someone who's not even there and I have an unhealthy attachment to my ex husband. I told him that he knew what he was getting into and this wasn't an 'unhealthy attachment' – the kids deserve to know who their father was. And just because he's their father doesn't mean that John can't be theirs too – it's not a competition and he shouldn't treat it that way."
Commenters aren't on his side.
As one commenter wrote: "Getting married to you doesn’t make him their dad. And there’s nothing unhealthy at all over them mourning their loss, and likewise for you."
Some people kind of see where he is coming from ... but he needs to get help.
One commenter sympathized with the man, but only to a point:
"Jealousy is a crappy emotion but it's a pretty natural one, and it can be really difficult to deal with. When someone is happily married and a spouse passes, things were cut off too soon and in the middle, and it's not the same as if the relationship fell apart and they got divorced.
"So I don't think it's fair to judge the fiancé for having some feelings about it, it's the kind of thing that can hit you out of the blue when you yourself didn't expect it. That having been said, he knew what he was getting into, and needs to go to therapy and get his [expletive] in order, or realize he can't deal with it and not drag things on with OP ([the original poster])."
Some are worried this is abuse.
One person pointed out the potential for more negativity:
"Hon, this isn’t healthy behavior from him. At all. In fact, it’s incredibly manipulative and a bit controlling. A healthy new partner after becoming a widow would encourage the memory, not compete with it.
"Don’t let this person guilt trip you and gaslight you into thinking you’ve done something wrong. He’s actively trying to replace your deceased husband and he’s openly admitted it. 'I’m their Daddy now'. That’s not how that works."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
