I've been a single mom for close to five years, and during that time, I've done a lot of dating. At first, I was excited about the possibilities that meeting someone new would bring. But as time went on, after a few broken hearts and more disappointing dates than I could possibly count, I got burned out.
I've realized so much about dating in the past few years, though, so it definitely hasn't been for nothing. These days, I don't think about going on dates as looking for "my person," as people might assume I'm doing. Now I try to keep an open mind as much as possible, but I also am putting a lot of energy into being happy on my own. That means I'm approaching dating a lot differently now.
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There are probably a lot of things I have done that have led me to feeling so much disappointment, sadness, even eventually hopelessness when it comes to romance. This year, I'm striving to recognize those things so that I can make some real changes.
With that, there are some bad dating habits I'm determined to give up in 2024. Because if we can't have world peace, at least I can have peace in my own heart.
1. Ignoring Genuine Red Flags
I can be a really open-minded person when it comes to who I'll go on a date with. I'll go out with a dude with neck tattoos, or a guy who has a collection of 350 ties. For me, it's always been about chemistry and connection. But focusing so much on "chemistry" has gotten me into a lot of trouble. It's caused me to ignore some bright, waving, giant red flags because "ohhhh we had such a great connection."
Connection matters. I will absolutely never say it doesn't. But this is not a carnival or a bullfight. This year, I'm going to finally start trying to take a step back from how hard a connection might hit me so that I don't keep someone around who I know isn't actually a good fit. That doesn't mean I won't have fun with people I want to have fun with! It just means I'm going to be a little more careful with who I give too much of my precious energy to.
2. Putting All of My Eggs in One Basket
When I feel that sneaky attraction to someone, I tend to completely start ignoring other connections. This might seem totally normal to a lot of people. But I'm starting to believe it's not actually the best idea. Yes, it makes sense to want to give attention where you feel pulled. But what if that causes you to miss out on other connections that just might develop more slowly?
Not to throw a Bachelor reference in here, but on the reality show, there are always romances that burn so hot they burn out quickly. Instead of throwing myself into things because they feel good, I'm going to try to recognize my desire to do that, but instead of completely abandoning other connections, I'll allow some space to keep exploring them.
3. Drinking Too Much To Make Someone More Interesting
Bad dates can make even the most casual drinker feel like a true alcoholic, and I am no exception. It's a pretty common phenomenon in the dating world, though. You put gel in your hair, makeup on your face, slip into a new outfit — therefore you don't want to head home just yet because your date is a total dud. So you sip a little faster, and before you know it, the conversation gets more tolerable.
It's a crappy habit, though, because the only thing that comes out of it is a bad hangover and some anxious feelings of regret. Instead, I'm cutting the cord and going home, or taking myself to the bar next door for a nightcap. Just one. Not half a dozen.
4. Drinking Too Much Because I'm Nervous
On the flip side, I have definitely had more wine than anyone needs in one evening because I was full of nerves. The thing is, nerves are a part of dating. If you really feel nervous, it's probably because you actually like the person. I'm realizing that instead of drinking away my nerves, I have to figure out a more productive way to move through them. Though it's harder than using alcohol as a crutch, it will definitely allow for more genuine connecting in the end.
5. Worrying If I'm Good Enough for Someone
It's taken me a long time to realize this sneaky habit of mine, but when I really like someone, I worry if I'm good enough. I worry about being fun enough, smart enough, pretty enough — you name it. It makes sense to feel our insecurities more presently when we know someone has the ability to hurt us. But what I want to stop doing is focusing so much on whether I'm good enough for someone else and instead focus more on if they're good enough for me. That means no more putting people on a pedestal.
6. Letting My Peace Be Disrupted
I can spend a lot of time happily alone, but if I feel rejected, suddenly I feel completely miserable. We've all been there, but this year, I want to invest in myself so much that no one's lack of interest is going to get me down (at least, not for too long). The truth is, if someone isn't interested in me in the very beginning, then there wouldn't be a great future coming anyway. I'm going to pay attention to those vibes and practice letting go a little more quickly and more gracefully.
The bottom line is that if someone isn't contributing to my peace and overall well-being, then they don't deserve my energy in the first place. So good riddance.
