Being a perfectionist is stressful. Add on being a perfectionist and a parent, and well, you may have some work to do to manage expectations of yourself and your kids.
“A perfectionist is someone who holds themselves to very high and often unrealistic standards,” Alana Carvalho, MHC, tells LittleThings. “There’s several common ways that perfectionism can show up in your life: If you find yourself living from one accomplishment to the next. If you don’t feel satisfied unless you’ve received positive feedback from others. If you find yourself constantly striving for more. If you have a hard time taking breaks or letting yourself relax. If you feel the need to be put together at all times. If you have difficulty making mistakes. Or, if you find yourself constantly comparing to others. All of these are signs of perfectionism.”
Unfortunately, these tendencies can be passed down to your kids. “I believe it’s both nature and nurture,” says Carvalho. “As I saw with my own child, it can start from a very early age indicating that there’s likely a genetic component. Additionally, children may exhibit these tendencies themselves simply from watching a caregiver behave or speak in perfectionistic ways, such as putting oneself down for making a mistake.
Newport Academy reports “Between 25 and 30% of teens suffer from ‘maladaptive perfectionism’ — striving for unrealistic perfection to the point of causing them pain. Researchers have determined there is a genetic component to perfectionism, reinforced by behavior learned from perfectionistic parents. But a greater influence comes from environmental factors.”
There are some signs that parents can look for to see If their child is a perfectionist. “If you notice that your child struggles when they aren’t the best at something right away, this may be due to perfectionism,” says Carvalho. “Another sign is if they tend to not try new things. This may happen when there is a fear of not being good at the new activity. Also, children who become easily frustrated when they are taking part in an activity or assignment and aren’t getting it right away.”
Psychologist Martin M. Smith shares on TherapyTips: “Perfectionism can be thought of as having three distinct aspects that everyone differs on to varying degrees. The first aspect is called self-oriented perfectionism and describes the tendency to demand perfection of the self. The second aspect is called other-oriented perfectionism and refers to the tendency to demand perfection from other people. Lastly, the third aspect is called socially prescribed perfectionism and refers to the tendency to believe that other people demand you to be perfect.”
Mass Live notes, “While the general population contains approximately 30% perfectionists, the percentage of perfectionists among the gifted population is close to 80%.”
While achieving high grades and winning accolades can have its perks, there are also downsides. “Perfectionism can have a negative impact on our children’s mental health and cause issues like depression and anxiety,” says Carvalho. “Some children may engage in school refusal as a result of the stress they’re experiencing from perfectionism.”
The American Psychological Association cites a study by lead author Thomas Curran, PhD, of the University of Bath in England, which is the first to examine group generational differences in perfectionism. Curran says the rise in perfectionism among millennials is being driven by a number of factors. "For example, raw data suggest that social media use pressures young adults to perfect themselves in comparison to others, which makes them dissatisfied with their bodies and increases social isolation," reports APA. This has not been tested and further research is needed to confirm this. "Young people are responding by reporting increasingly unrealistic educational and professional expectations for themselves. As a result, perfectionism is rising among millennials," Curran told APA.
Luckily, there are some ways that parents can encourage their kids from a young age without teaching them they have to be perfect all the time. "One of my favorites is to say to my children, 'I can see you worked really hard on that!'" says Carvalho. "This focuses on the effort a child puts in rather than the outcome."
"Another one that I love is asking them 'Are you proud of yourself?' This shifts the focus away from external praise and instead connects the child inward. Another way to shift away from perfectionism is to focus on our child’s experience. For example, saying something like 'It looks like you really enjoyed that.' This is another way to help a child connect to themselves rather than the outcome."
When our kids aren’t achieving what they want to accomplish, Carvalho says, “what we really want to acknowledge is our child’s internal experience and effort. It’s not about how well they do but about trying. Also, whatever you do, don’t compare them to others.”
Carvalho wants parents to know, “We can’t expect our child to be good at everything. Instead, we want to tune into what they enjoy, what fills them up, and what they’re good at and encourage them to keep going.”
