While adoption is a beautiful way to create a new family, it starts with a loss. The child loses their biological family and vice versa. This comes with mental health challenges. It takes time to build a family unit and sometimes it doesn’t work out.
One former parent blogger opened up to People anonymously about her difficult decision to undergo adoption dissolution when it became clear to her that this was best for all involved. Many were critical of her choice. She stopped blogging because of the backlash.
This mother already had four biological children. She and her husband adopted a 3-year-old child from Eastern Europe in 2009. Based on the information they were given, they believed they would be able to handle another child.
“We were going off the information that we had,” the mom recalled. “We were like, ‘Oh, she's 3. We know how to do this.’”
The 3-year-old ended up developing reactive attachment disorder, or RAD. The Cleveland Clinic defines this as “a rare condition where children don’t form an emotional bond with their caretakers.” This created chaos in the home.
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Things had started off well. “There's a honeymoon period,” she explained. “For the first six months after she got home, everything was fine. But now in hindsight, looking back with what we know now about RAD, that's typical.”
The family believes the child was triggered when her new dad deployed. She had bonded with him early on because he stayed behind in Eastern Europe with her until she was able to come to the United States. Mom and the siblings were waiting for them there.
Hindsight is 20/20. “He was home for a few more weeks, and then he deployed and left,” the mom recalled. “That maybe set off a string of abandonment feelings in her. It's hard to know because she couldn't verbalize that … but I do feel like that was a mistake that we made.”
After the dad left “a switch flipped.” The child began not eating and biting her nails to the point of harming herself. “I'd take her to the doctor and I would say, ‘She's chewing her fingernails off. Her fingers are getting infected, and I don't know what to do. She's doing it in her sleep. I can't stay up 24 hours a day to monitor this,’” the mom recalled.
Things continued to get worse and doctors were not helpful. The child soon took her frustration out on her new siblings. “She was taking it out on the other kids,” the mom recalled. “I just remember one of my older kids coming home from school one day, and she had destroyed their bedroom. My older child was holding all their stuff and just had tears running down their face. I mean, I get toddlers do that, but it was just different. It just seemed so malicious.”
Things came to a head when one doctor noticed the child had lost weight and called Child Protective Services. “That's when I lost my mind because I was like, ‘I am going to lose all my children, and I'm doing everything I can for this little girl. What do I do?’” the mom recalled.
When the child turned 7, the family made the hard decision to take a break and placed her in respite care with another family with adopted children. “During that time, we saw our kids just be able to breathe and be able to feel safe in their home again and be able to not have to walk on eggshells,” the mom explained.
The new family had experience working with children with RAD. They were OK with the child simply thinking of them as caregivers and not parents. The mom and her family made sure to check in often.
After talking it through, it appeared as if the new family was a better fit. They agreed to extend the respite care to a six-month trial period. The child ended up bonding with another kid in the household who also had RAD. The hard decision was made to dissolve the adoption in the best interest of the child. She was adopted by the family that gave her respite care.
The mom is at peace with her decision. “She's much happier there,” she explained. “A lot of times kids with RAD view that family that has taken them out of that orphanage as the enemy. Like, ‘You removed me from my home.' … They don't understand, ‘Oh, you're going to give me a better life.’” She still checks in on the child.
Even though this mom knows this was the right decision, this doesn't mean that she didn't face significant backlash. She announced the adoption dissolution on her blog and many people didn't understand. She has stopped blogging for now and is focused on her family.
“The close friends that knew my journey said, ‘We get it. We've walked this with you. We've seen the things that you haven't posted and we're here,’” she explained. For now, that is enough for her.
