I don't have that many parenting nevers, but I never talk badly about my body in front of my kids. Never. Ever. I simply don't do it. But lately, that has meant a whole lot of keeping how I'm really feeling inside, and when struggling to answer one very pointed question from my tween daughter, it meant fumbling terribly over my words.
Now, I totally understand the importance of embracing and loving your body, no matter what form it is currently in. But I'm 36, and recently I've noticed some extra pounds nestled, well, just about everywhere. I'm frustrated because I'm working so hard to be healthy in just about every possible way that I can, but the pounds aren't budging.
I've pulled out all of my old tricks, too — the things that used to kick a few extra pounds to the curb in a couple of weeks. Cutting booze, having a tea instead of a snack after dinner, and working out hard. But nothing seems to be working.
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As a result, I've started really paying attention to what I'm eating in a way I haven't ever had to do before. It seemed like if all of the other tricks weren't working, I'd have to be on top of my diet. I'm not a huge fan of diet culture, but ya know, I've also never been 36 until now, and I gotta say, I'm noticing a huge difference in whatever the heck my metabolism is pulling here.
Last week, I made turkey burgers, and instead of having mine on a bun, I used a spinach wrap. My daughter is 11 years old, and she noticed the shift in my eating habits. She asked me point-blank if I was on a diet.
I don't even use the word "diet" in my own brain. Maybe it just has a negative connotation for me, or perhaps I'm brainwashed by my own generation into thinking that dieting means body hate, and body hate is bad. But either way, I couldn't avoid the fact that the question made me uncomfortable.
In the moment, I totally froze. I stumbled over my words. I tried to say some things about how I was just trying to eat healthy, just trying to feel my best. Blah blah blah! My daughter half-rolled her eyes at me. She could tell I was BS-ing her.
Finally, I spit out the truth. "Yeah, I guess I am. I'm on a diet. I'm not feeling all that great in my body right now and I'm working hard so that I feel better in my skin. That's all," I said. She nodded and carried on eating her dinner.
I didn't know if what I said was harmful. It's certainly the most negative thing I've ever uttered about the body in front of my children. But I also couldn't help that it was just the truth.
The fact is, even though it's tough, I know that I'm in control of how my body looks, at least to some extent. And though I strive to love my body in all of its forms, I also don't feel like myself when my pants don't fit. Listen: I've never been a size 4 and rarely a size 6. But usually, I feel strong and athletic and healthy in my body. When I don't, my confidence starts to slip.
I'm realizing that as I get older, it may be harder to feel the love for my body all the time. I may have to work harder to maintain the body I want to have, while also adjusting my expectations at the same time. And after my daughter asking what the heck I was eating and why, I'm thinking I may have to find a renewed approach to how I explain myself to my kids.
While I always want my kids to love themselves and really feel that, the truth is that maybe it's an unrealistic expectation in some regards. I mean, we all go through points in life when we don't feel our best. Maybe it's OK to embrace that we can simultaneously love our bodies while also striving to improve upon them. That's a message I'm pretty sure I'd be comfortable with my tween daughter, and my younger son, hearing.
Hopefully, my kids always feel beautiful no matter what. But if they don't, maybe that's OK, too, as long as they know they aren't defined by their appearance. I know I'm not. Because even if I'm legit spilling out of my high-waisted bikini bottoms at the pool, I won't be hiding under a towel all day, either. I'll be playing with my kids, sunning my belly, and going on with my life.
Sometimes, really tuning into what I eat in an effort to look and feel my best just might be a part of my life. I'm OK with that, and at the end of the day, I hope my kids are, too.
