One TikTok user's take on baby boomer parents and that generation's idea of "dishonest harmony," has given lots of people a name for something they experienced growing up. What is "dishonest harmony?" In her video, Angela Baker provided some examples: "Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle."
Sound familiar?
Angela pointed out that she has observed signs of the need for "dishonest harmony" in online spaces as well.
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"When I've been trying to talk about the toxic ways that we were parented as kids, I get a lot of boomers telling me to be quiet, telling me, 'Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet,'" she explained in the video.
To her, these types of comments are indicative of these particular boomers' "lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things."
Because of this inability to cope with uncomfortable emotions, Angela believes that this type of parent prefers "dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict."
For those who have a different perspective and prefer to talk openly about the things that are bothering them, this desire for "dishonest harmony" might be hard to understand. However, Angela suggests that those who prefer "dishonest harmony" seem to care about appearances and how they might be perceived by others.
"What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface," she said in the video.
From her perspective, a lot of "the toxic parenting (Millennials and Gen X) experienced" was the result of dishonest harmony.
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"The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced," Angela continued.
To many TikTok users, Angela's theory made a lot of sense and was extremely relatable.
"How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now?" one TikTok user responded. "This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrupt that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It's frustrating."
"My mom CANNOT stand to feel 'bad' feelings," another person commented. "She will do anything to avoid feeling distress."
Others shared examples of what "dishonest harmony" looked like in their households.
One person shared how their mom would respond when issues were brought up. "Well I'm sorry I was such a terrible mother!" the commenter wrote.
Another said, "Me bringing things up as a kid always ended in me having to apologize for me bringing things up."
One TikTok user said that they were struggling with insomnia but when they talked to their parents about it, their parents "would get angry" because they "felt attacked like I was telling them the life they gave me was not good enough."
Huh, not sure how they came up with that, but OK.
