Parenting comes with some secrets, and oftentimes they're the kind of secrets that you aren't sure you can ever admit out loud. One example: If you have more than one child, one of them is probably your favorite. Another example: You might not love your kids right away … and that might last longer than you think.
One dad has opened up about this particular struggle, admitting on the Parenting forum of Reddit:
“I’m a father and honestly, I didn’t really feel any love for my children when they were babies, even on the day they were born. I didn’t feel anything that I could describe as love. I don’t know if it’s from childhood trauma or what, but it was like I was in a daze when they were born. No love at all, just fear.”
He does say that now that his kids are older, he’s totally in love — but he still wonders if it’s OK that it took him a while:
“Now that they are older, I’ve fallen in love with them. It took until maybe three or four years old. But now I love them very much.
“Anyone else experience this or am I a psychopath?”
An internet search turns up plenty of results that show a lot of parents have definitely experienced what this dad is writing about. As unfathomable as it might be for some parents, it's totally valid that others struggle to connect with their children right away. Psychologist Gail Gross, PhD, wrote that there are a few reasons why this might happen.
The reasons include:
- Postpartum depression
- Having been raised by a toxic parent
- Resenting being a parent yourself
- Competing with your child
- Actually being a neglectful parent
Those are some big reasons! But it could also be that some of us just take longer to connect with our kids, and it’s really hard to be able to admit that in a world that seems like it holds parenthood up as one of the most exalted states.
One mom responded to the dad's comments saying that she gets it:
“Mom of three, here.
“I felt huge responsibility and fiercely protective of them when they were tiny (as well as exhausted, confused, and terrified as I figured out how to parent).
“Once they’re walking and talking and are able to interact with a disproportionate personality to body size ratio, it’s much easier to connect with them and develop deeper love for them.
“Not sociopathic. Completely logical.”
And others really loved the phrase she used: "Disproportionate personality to body size ratio." That is a pretty excellent way to sum it up.
Another parent said that she just didn't connect with either of her kids right away:
"Many people told me that the second my babies were born that I’d get a huge rush of emotions and that I’d never feel love like I would when holding my baby for the first time. NOPE! I believe my initial thoughts after giving birth were 'WTF just happened' and 'I’m never doing that again.'"
One parent commented that knowing others feel this way makes them feel better about their own feelings:
"I experienced the same thing you have. When my daughter [was] born they handed her right to me and I was so unimpressed with her and felt immediate rejection. It wasn't until she was 3 or so that I began to really feel love. But I am very relieved for you, I had been worried that I would never truly love my child."
One mom theorizes that for her, it's like she thought she knew who the baby would be … and then reality set in:
"I feel like it's because you feel like you really know this little human when they're inside of you and then when they come out it's like they're a total stranger! You have to learn about them all over again. I felt like the baby I'd grown to know in my womb was taken and replaced with another baby. It was really strange."
Others said the way parenthood is nearly always portrayed on television and in movies complicates this normal reaction:
"What doesn’t help parents realise that they are completely normal feeling this way, is how tv and media totally romanticise that 'instant' bond SOME people experience."
Sometimes, though, this feeling can persist, even well into your child's teen years. One mom wrote into the Good Men Project and said she didn't like her 13-year-old son … at all.
“I’m a married woman with two boys ages 15 and 13. I hate to even put this in print but I just do not like my younger child. I have not admitted this to anyone, and I feel very guilty about it. I have a very warm, close relationship to my older boy; he is personable, generous, and kind. My younger son was difficult from the very beginning. He was colicky as a baby, refused to sleep in his own bed as a toddler, was pretty disrespectful as a young boy, and has now become a sullen teenager. He does not have any diagnosable problems and has friends at school. When I try to ‘bond’ with my son it always ends in disaster. I really try to hide my feelings but I’m afraid that at some level my son knows. Sometimes my husband will accuse me of being too hard on our son. Am I a bad person? Have other mothers felt the same way? Do you think my feelings about him will change?”
The team at the site wrote back to assure her that she wasn't a bad person:
"Your letter poses some difficult questions, but at least one is easy: of course you’re not a bad person. More honest than many of us, but not bad. And yes, I can assure you you’re not the only mother to feel this way. Unfortunately, this is the kind of problem people are very reluctant to talk about or acknowledge, so they all suffer silently, convinced they are the only ones who feel this way."
They also noted two key things: It's important that her son believes she loves him, and she should probably find a family therapist.
"Your anguished tone makes it clear that you know how important it is for your son to believe you love him. So tell him. Just kiss him goodnight after he gets in bed and say, 'I love you.' Put a note in his lunch that simply reminds him that Mom loves him. No matter how he responds on the outside, inside he will be happy. And he will believe you, because he wants to believe you. It’s important for him to grow up believing you love him."
"As far as your real feelings go, I think they are worth exploring with a therapist who specializes in family issues. There are any number of reasons why you may not feel an easy maternal love for your younger son, but I suspect there’s more going on here than the fact that he was a difficult baby. I think you may have some unresolved issues that deserve a closer look. Your husband may be able to help, too, even if he just raises your self-awareness about how you’re treating your son."
However, it seems that the dad who posed this question is definitely fully in love with his kids these days. Another parent reassured him by pointing out that it's hard to build a relationship when the other person in it can't really cooperate, due to being so young:
"Sometimes relationships follow the pattern of an 'arranged marriage': you are stuck with this person every day of your life and it takes a lot of work to create a meaningful, successful relationship. It doesn’t help that the counterpart doesn’t cooperate."
In the end, it sounds like the dad is going through something that a lot of parents have gone through — at least 60 parents and counting.
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