Staying at home looks different for plenty of households. Some people are home by themselves. Others have found themselves in a situation where their kids have taken over the home. Others are hanging out with parents. While it's temporary and good to have them close, it can also serve as a huge disruption.
Recently, one dad needed to vent a little about how his mother-in-law was driving him crazy. The good news is that she seems to care a lot about her grandkids. The bad news is, sometimes she oversteps.
"We were hanging out yesterday and it was nice out, so naturally my almost 3-year-old wanted to be outside with no jacket and, for a lot of the time, no shoes," he said. "Grandma kept saying 'does she need a jacket? Does she need shoes?' Yes, I’m fully aware that she doesn’t have [expletive] shoes on, and that's ok." For some kids, living barefoot is just the way of life. It doesn't mean that they're not being taken care of.
The dad thinks that her paranoia may be due to incidents that happened in the past. "I think one of my wife’s siblings got a splinter on a deck 30 years ago, and grandma has had a high level of paranoia ever since," he wrote. "She doesn’t realize that decks are no longer so dangerous." But unfortunately, that's not the only issue that his mother-in-law has had. It seems like in her eyes, he can't do anything right.
There are many different ways to parent. And when you're not the actual parent, it may be hard to shut your mouth and let things just happen. Regarding the shoes, the mother-in-law worried about her granddaughter stepping on an acorn. "What’s the worse that will happen?" he writes. "She cries for 30 seconds?"
This type of parenting is still very common. If you don't let your children learn from their own experiences, they may not grow as people. However, you can also see the mother-in-law's point of view. If you can openly see a scenario where a child might get hurt, why let them?
"These exchanges happen literally every time we are outside, with both the jacket and shoes," he continued. "My kid is very attune[d] and will tell me if she is cold and needs a jacket. I don’t always agree with her threshold for not needing a jacket, but at the end of the day, the kid is always ok. Some battles are just not worth fighting, and this is one I have given up on generally. The kid is always safe."
Redditor jessendjames isn't a complete monster when it comes to his mother-in-law. In fact, he said he's completely fine with her calling the shots if he or his wife aren't around. However, the overlapping judgment is what's driving him crazy. And since nobody has gotten hurt, it's no question as to why he's taking this personally.
"She does it a lot with food, too," he continued. "Like my kid is eating the healthy food we provided and grandma will say 'can I give her a French fry or a bite of pizza?' My kid is literally eating grilled chicken and broccoli and grandma is trying to feed her [expletive]."
"I think she thinks she’s giving us a break from parenting, but if we are around, we are not going to just stop being parents and she doesn’t seem to realize that," he said. "The way she phrases things make us sound neglectful." He mentioned that they've talked to her about this before. While her behavior often improves, it slips back after a few months.
All in all, he's thankful that he has a loving mother-in-law. But the meddling is enough to drive anyone crazy. Thankfully, fellow Redditors had some great ideas on how to help mend the relationship and make sure everyone could get through this without everlasting resentment.
"It sounded a lot like infantilizing and making the child feel as though he can't function without his mom helping him out," said user AnnAveragePerson. "From all the comments it really just sounds like the MIL needs to be needed. The gifts, the constant need to be doing some activities with the kids, she needs to feel involved, and as though she's doing something for the kids."
That's a good point. Sometimes, grandparents don't know how they should fit in once kids come into the picture. They may try to parent — since they have experience with that — but don't know when they're crossing the line. Giving her a set role, like helping out at bedtime, may be a good solution.
Grandparents also need to realize that their kids won't be afraid to take away privileges when that line has been crossed. One user brought up a time when their mother-in-law didn't listen to their no-sugar policy. "When our oldest, now 4, was still only a baby my MIL disagreed I guess on our no-sugar policy. LO was maybe 9 months? At a birthday party and LO is just sitting with me, she tries to scoop icing from a birthday cake right in LOs mouth while she's on my lap. I pulled away so fast."
It can often be very hard to create boundaries, but they're necessary. And the sooner, the better. It's important to stand your ground and not give in to your parents. They had their turn, and now you have yours. There are plenty of ways to communicate with them and tell them that you're being serious.
If you're a grandparent who just wants to love on their grandkids (and who doesn't?), the best way to do so is to connect with their parents first. A great idea you have might be something they've been actively trying to avoid. Just let them know you want to create some special moments with your grandkids, and include them in your plan.
And remember that they have the final say. Unless they're openly putting their children in danger (and creating an unsafe household for them), you need to keep opinions to yourself. Parenting can be a very sensitive topic, and you don't want to start a fight that might damage your relationship.
No matter what, try to remember that you all have one thing in common — you all care about the kids. While parents need to stand their ground, grandparents need to realize that their advice is best when it's actually asked for. Working on your relationship — and stepping back a bit — may be the best thing you can do right now.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
