Your teenager slams the door in your face while you have guests over. Your toddler draws on the living room wall of the apartment you rent. Maybe you’ve just had a windfall of cash. The way you respond to these scenarios can be a result of inherited parenting habits. And some habits are simply dysfunctional. It may seem like a matter of opinion at first. What is dysfunctional to one family may be the norm for another. But when it comes to habits that harm your loved ones or you, then it’s no longer up for interpretation. It’s time to break dysfunctional parenting habits.
What does it mean to inherit dysfunctional parenting habits, and how do you know a habit is dysfunctional in the first place?
Inheriting a habit can be the result of genetic or learned behavior. So, for example, a naughty eating habit, like a chocolate obsession, can be attributed to the oxytocin receptor gene, which is genetically inherited.
But other habits can be learned. Take reading, for example. Children achieve higher literary success when parents consistently perform habits like reading for pleasure and reading aloud to their children.
The way we interpret whether a habit is good or bad can also be attributed to social and cultural environments. Sometimes we explain away dysfunctional parenting habits because the cultural or social value system says things like "children should be seen, not heard," or "in our culture, yelling is normal." Yet these parenting approaches can make children feel devalued and can engender long-term consequences like social anxiety.
Plus, dysfunctional parenting habits are broad-ranging. They can include dysfunctional spending, discipline, and eating habits. Dysfunction can come in the form of substance abuse, anger, and excessive worry. Inherited parenting habits could have been formed out of fear, neglect, and financial stress. Sometimes they’re coping mechanisms. But whatever they are and however they came to be, if you’re committed to breaking the cycle of dysfunctional parenting habits, then you’ve already taken the first step: recognition.
Acknowledge the Dysfunction
Dismantling parenting habits that hurt your family begins with recognizing the dysfunctional habit, learning its trigger, and figuring how to stop the behavior from repeating.
Identifying a dysfunctional parenting habit can arise either through your own self-awareness or when someone else points it out. Either way, this acknowledgment can bring about feelings of shame and insecurity. But it helps to figure out not just why you behave this way but why your own parents did. You may be surprised to know why your parents had a negative relationship with money or the reason why they worried so much.
Identify the Triggers
This is where a deeper level of self-analysis comes in. What triggers dysfunctional parenting habits? Is it money, stress, worry? It could help to think back to a time when your parents exhibited this behavior and compare how it made you feel then to how it makes you feel now.
If your parents had a habit of spanking you back then, how does spanking your child make you feel now? And how does your social circle and cultural environment view spanking differently than those in your parents’ time.
Make It Stop
Times have changed, and so have parenting expectations. A whole new set of stress factors have cropped up since your parents raised you. And it’s time to take a new approach.
So how do you stop repeating bad behavior?
What do we do when we don’t have the answers? Research. With dysfunctional behavior acknowledged and triggers recognized, start looking for answers. What are other ways of responding to triggers?
Find out how other people deal with similar triggers in a way that seems comfortable and within your capability. You can go about this several ways.
Consider speaking openly to a trusted family member, friend, or your partner. Vent, ask for help, or simply observe how they handle scenarios that would normally trigger a parenting habit you’re trying to kick.
Think about other ways of handling dysfunction, like seeking professional help. From family therapy, parenting therapy, and parenting coaches to online resources and self-help books — whatever you’re going through, there’s help. Plus, you can meet with your doctor to discuss how genetically inherited habits can be addressed.
Good Intentions
Parenting is a dynamic experience where you draw on your past to inform the present and plan the future. Our approach to anything from nutritional choices to spending habits could have been initiated by the paradigm set forth by our parents. But we should remain open to change and committed to doing what’s best for ourselves and our family. That may mean severing from old patterns and habits that no longer work for us.
Dysfunction, in most forms, is tied to our psyche and our emotional selves. So deciding to make a change means committing to transformation from the inside out. Becoming the first generation to root out dysfunctional parenting habits is a massive undertaking. Decide to be the first and you stand to have a positive impact on not just your own children but everyone they encounter along their life journeys, too.
