Having kids who are picky eaters can make for stressful experiences as a parent. It’s never easy to spend time cooking a meal only to place it on the table and be told no, I don’t want that. It can be difficult to know when to push for them to just try it and when to concede and make something else.
That being said, forcing your kids to eat what they don’t want can do more damage than it seems. Autistic children specifically need some extra understanding, encouragement, and help with their diet. When it comes to sensory overload, avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), or food-related phobias, there are plenty of valid reasons why children become picky eaters. And we can’t assume it’s just to be defiant or get attention.
Developmental and mental health always connects to food and the routine that goes along with it. Gentle parenting — the act of raising your children without judgment or raised voices — is a great method to use while teaching children about their eating habits. If you have discovered your little one is a picky eater, here are some things to do — and keep in mind.
Ask them why they don’t like certain foods.
A lot of the time, the reason why kids don’t like a certain food is all down to texture. Chances are there are a lot of foods that they will actually like the taste of if served in a puréed form or cooked differently. Say your child hates berries — maybe it’s not the berry they hate but the skin, or the fact that berries go sour very quickly. Take those berries and make them into a smoothie with some sweeter- or more-subtle-tasting fruits like bananas and watermelons, and see how they like it.
Children’s taste buds are also more sensitive than ours, so it’s likely that what tastes nice to you as an adult tastes way too strong for a child. The fish is too salty; the apple is too sour. Find out which senses are being overwhelmed and work around it. Understanding is the first step to finding a solution, and sympathizing rather than disciplining will go a long way.
Don’t trick them into eating what they don’t want.
They will remember when they’re older, and they will resent it. When it comes to family trust, it goes both ways. In a child’s mind, they can’t tell the difference between a small betrayal and a big one; if you find it so easy to trick them into eating a food they know that you know they hate, they’ll wonder what else you’re willing to trick them with. It’s condescending to hide foods under cheese or suddenly push the spoon full of applesauce to the side to shove peas into their mouth instead. It demonstrates that they have no agency in your relationship — and even that it’s OK to do that to others. That’s not to say you can’t ease kids into certain ingredients, as puréed vegetables "hidden" in a soup aren’t usually going to be strong enough to taste anyway. Actually, slowly adding a little of a certain ingredient to children's meals has been shown to help with nutrition, as well as create an acquired taste for certain foods. The difference is not to lie to them about it — or refuse to stop if they say they can’t eat it.
Find alternatives that they love.
The great thing about food is that there’s no magic food that can’t be replaced. Both ham and broccoli have some similar nutrients, such as iron and potassium; so if your kid can’t stand one, they'll get nutrients from the other. Nuts as well as certain breads are a great source of calcium if your kid hates milk. Most non-cow's milk products are also full of calcium and other healthy nutrients. Sticking to fun and child-friendly foods is a good way to go, as you’re not usually going to have the same tastes as your child. Kids usually prefer turkey dinosaurs over fillets of fish, for example, and they’re just as easy to put in the oven. Let them have a taste test of various options, and never just drop full plates of large meals in front of them, as it will be very overwhelming for them.
Spend an evening playing "food critic" by taking very small portions of food on a spoon (e.g., sauces, segments of vegetables) and asking them to rate how they taste. If they flat-out refuse to try something, just keep picking other things till you find something they’re not nervous about. By the end of it, you’ll have a clear list of what your child likes and dislikes, and you can avoid future arguments over the dinner table.
Don’t compare them to other kids.
No kid wants to hear phrases like, “Look at your brother, HE can eat his meatloaf just fine!” Children aren’t a monolith; they have as many individual differences as we do, so expecting all your children to act like carbon copies of each other is illogical. You’ll also create resentment between your children, not a “healthy rivalry” to see who can finish dinner first. Many children grow up thinking the other kid was “the favorite,” and this is one of the reasons why. “Your sister doesn’t make a fuss with food, so why are you?” and “Why can’t you be more like [name]?!” just creates a barrier between your children — and also gives your child the paranoia that there’s something wrong with them. Or at least that you think there’s something wrong with them. You can still buy the same foods to prepare in different ways, however, so each child’s needs can be met within budgets.
Create a positive association with food; don’t make it a punishment.
Food is a human right, not a privilege. Sending your kids to bed without supper as a punishment is not only callous but unhealthy for the child — both in terms of malnourishment if it often continues and in terms of creating a negative association with food. It also reinforces the idea that they have no control over their own bodies. Celebrating when your child eats a new food does wonders for their association with food, but also knowing that not every meal needs to be completed perfectly will also let them know it’s OK to not clear their plates 100%. As adults, do we clear our plates all the time? There are always a few peas left over, after all. Snapping at them that they need to finish 100% of it will only make them look at that food as a punishment.
It’s also important to make sure your kids know the difference between hungry, full, and cravings. They can be full but desperately want some dessert, because they’re craving that sugar; this can obviously lead to them feeling sick afterward. Alternatively, they may not be full after finishing their entire meal; this is a sign that they may be lacking something on their plate. If they’re nervous about trying more vegetables, this is the perfect time to test the waters.
Above all, eating should be an enjoyable experience. If they’re not enjoying themselves in a healthy way, try something new.
