Getting separated or divorced is tough on most people, even if the choice is a healthy one. It can be especially tough for people who have children, and celebrating your first holiday season following a separation or divorce can feel almost impossible.
For some families, celebrating together truly isn't possible, and that's OK. It's up to each parent to make decisions about the holidays that are positive and healthy for themselves and for their children, and that will look different for everyone.
For other families, celebrating the holiday season together is still possible, with a few boundaries and rules in place.
Why would exes celebrate the holidays together?
As unfathomable as the idea of celebrating the holidays with an ex might be to some people, others may try to get through the holiday season alongside an ex because it's what they feel is best for their kids. The holiday season is already an emotional time for a lot of us, and that might be extra true for emotionally sensitive kids.
It can be nice for kids to see that their parents can still interact in a civil, nice way with one another after a split.
How to make celebrating the holidays together work
However, it's also important that adults protect themselves and their own mental and emotional well-being during the holidays. If you want to celebrate with your ex for your kids but also can't imagine spending days together, don't do it. Consider just getting together in the same home to open presents Christmas morning and then going your separate ways for the rest of the day.
Other ideas for celebrating the holidays with your ex and your kids
If that specific arrangement doesn't work, there are still others to try:
- If you're celebrating Christmas, let the kids open presents at one home in the morning, have a big family lunch midday, and then let the kids go to the other home to open presents in the evening.
- If the kids don't want to go to two homes in one day (and your custody agreement allows it), you could consider meeting up at a public park or somewhere else outside to spend an hour or two with everyone together on the day the kids are meant to switch houses.
Try these tips for keeping the first holiday after separation civil.
While the actual celebrating of the holiday is probably at the top of your mind (there are so many logistics!), the entire holiday season can feel emotional and intense following a separation or divorce. Here are a few other things to keep in mind when you're trying to make it work for everyone:
Have boundaries and stick to them.
First and foremost, your custody agreement will definitely play a huge role in the boundaries and rules you and your ex come up with. But additionally, it's really important that you each have your own personal boundaries for what you are and are not willing to have happen during the holiday season — and that you stick to them. Our emotions can sometimes get the best of us, but if you feel tempted to walk back a boundary because you're caught up in the spirit of the day, remind yourself of why you set it in the first place.
Remember, nothing has to be a certain way.
It might also be tempting to celebrate the holidays the same way you always have, even if your family looks different this year. Remember that you don't have to keep any traditions that you don't want to, and you can also create your own new traditions. While your kids might miss a specific thing you always used to do, if you make it clear that they're secure and loved no matter what, they'll probably enjoy the new thing, too.
Don't feel like you have to go overboard.
It can also be tempting to go overboard with gifts, decorations, or holiday events, especially if you feel guilty about the divorce or separation. If you want to go overboard, do it, but if you need to stick to a budget, don't put yourself in a financial situation that's difficult to get out of. It's OK for your children to see that things are different now, and different doesn't have to be a bad thing.
Remember that what works for one family might not work for another.
And finally, remember that what does or doesn't work for one family may be different for another, and that's OK. It could be that none of these suggestions are really feasible for your own situation, but hopefully they provide a jumping-off point for thoughts and discussion about what you can do. Ultimately, if you're keeping your kids at the center and heart of what you're planning, it's unlikely you'll go wrong.
