If there are two things on this godforsaken-trash-fire-planet we call Earth that I absolutely love, it's day drinking and all things British. So naturally, when the idea of following Queen Elizabeth II's daily drinking regimen was brought about in a pitch meeting, I did my best Katniss Everdeen impression and volunteered as tribute — as swiftly and passionately as possible. I will sacrifice my week to drink like the Queen, I thought, full of nobility and pride. I will do this for The Peasants, The Plebeians, The People.
If you're not an avid royal-watcher like myself, and thus are not privy to the Queen's daily alcohol consumption, prior to her death, let me shine a little truth spotlight for you. She, no joke, consumed four alcoholic beverages a day, every day — three of which are drunk, respectively, before, during, and immediately after lunch. Yes, you read that correctly: lunch. Girlfriend liked to get sauced before noon. Turns out the Queen and I have more in common than I thought.
"That can't be good for your health," you're probably saying out loud. And you know what, dear reader? I was wholeheartedly on the same page as you, until I realized the queen lived until 96 and seemed to accomplish way more than I do on a given day. Just how did she do it, though?
Wine. Gin. Champagne. Somewhat in that order — that's how.
The Queen's Routine
As previously mentioned, the Queen downs four alcoholic beverages each day:
- A gin and Dubonnet with lemon and “lots of ice” before lunch
- A dry gin martini during lunch
- A glass of wine (with a piece of chocolate) after lunch
- Champagne before bed
The Royal Bar (AKA My Desk)
Fun fact: Grocery store patrons will look at you like you're a big ole bag of personal issues when you buy mass amounts of alcohol at 9:30 a.m. on a Monday.
"I'm doing this for the sake of journalism, OK?" I told the grown man buying a small bottle of milk, undoubtedly meant for his own personal consumption (as if drinking dairy past age 5 isn't worse than a gin-and-wine cocktail in the morning, smh).
I had to improvise a little here, by the way. My local grocery store didn't have Dubonnet, but I found a decent replacement in a dessert port wine (the two are very similar, fyi). Also, vermouth was literally nowhere to be found, so I substituted it with diet tonic water. (Don't tell the Queen.)
Day 1
The Queen drinks her first beverage of the day before lunch, so that's exactly what I did. Rules are rules. I made a gin and "Dubonnet" with lots of ice and a lemon; if you're wondering what it tastes like, look no further than my face.
The next day I came to find that I'd made the gin and "Dubonnet" cocktail COMPLETELY wrong, which is why I look like I just licked the devil's butt after he ran a marathon. Note to self: 2 parts wine, 1 part gin — not the other way around.
My second drink was my version of a dry gin martini, mostly because I really do not like the taste of gin (why am I doing this experiment again?), so I tried to make it as palatable as possible by adding diet tonic water and a ton of lemon slices.
It was still hard to choke down, probably because it was Monday, at noon, and I was at work. I finished off my lunch with a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate, as the Queen does, and continued on with my workday as best I could.
Day 2
Oh my God, help me. I trudged into the office, most definitely not excited to start drinking at 11 a.m. I've got stuff to do! I can't be sauced while assigning out stories and editing them, right? RIGHT?
Wrong! Turns out, I totally can. Because I did.
Or did I? Later, I searched for a doc in my email and, when it turned up nothing, realized I was searching "Licensing Procedure" in my Facebook search bar, so…
RIP to my liver, which has had an OK run, and it's only day two. Don't get me wrong, I like drinking, but man, doing so before noon during the workweek, two days in a row, is really cramping my style. I usually save my wine for after work.
Which brings me to the Queen's before-bed glass of Champagne. OK, this isn't technically Champagne; it's sparkling wine. But that's good enough for a peon like me. I have my nightcap at 7:30 p.m. (I honestly go to bed by 9 most nights during the week), and this feels more… normal. Mostly because it's 7:30 in the evening and not 11 in the morning.
Day 3
I've got my game face on today, folks. Pass me the vino!
Note: This day went by in a blur, and I was so harried I honestly forgot about my drinking regimen until about 2 p.m. Whoops! How does the Queen balance royal engagements and multiple cocktail hours? I guess I'll just have an extra big glass of Champagne tonight to make up for it.
Day 4
Thursdays are my busiest day of the workweek, so I buckled myself in for a wild ride.
I expressed my concerns to another coworker, who unfortunately missed the "Olivia Drinks Like the Queen" show all week, and even though she believed in my ability to function like a normal human…
I was not entirely functioning. Exhibit A: Our weekly editorial pitch meeting.
I thought I was killin' it until my coworker sent me this lovely photo.
At this point (my third beverage of the fourth day), I'm feeling like I just need to go home and take a nap. I'm suddenly overly emotional about things that really don't matter, and I end up taking a depression nap when I get home, because drinking gin and wine all day will do that to you, apparently.
After my nap, I gather myself, pop open some Champagne (sparkling wine), and have my nightcap à la the Queen, while watching Chopped in my "house clothes" (the Queen does that too, right?).
Day 5
At a little after midnight on day five I literally threw up gin through my nose. Twice. So it's safe to say I'm probably not going to consume any more of that devil-poison for this experiment. I fold.
That said…
On the surface, this experiment seemed like it would be a blast. Drink like the Queen for a week and get paid for it? Sign me up!
Narrator: It was not a blast.
As long as I made sure my drinks were pretty weak, and I drank a lot of water throughout the day, it wasn't too difficult to go about my normal workday and keep my routine. However, physically, I just didn't feel great throughout the entire week. Everything felt just… fuzzy. And not in a fun way.
Hats — er, crowns — off to the Queen for making this her thing and sticking to it. I royally commend her for it. She's obviously made of stronger stuff than myself.
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