The number of "mom friends" I have is very slim. In fact, I had to go out of my way to make them. As far as standard and traditional paths go, I was the only one who wanted to get married and eventually have kids in my preestablished group.
You can't fault others for it — having kids is a lot of work. And in case you didn't realize it, kids tend to drain a lot of money from you. And since neither I nor my friends are necessarily rolling in cash as it is, it makes sense they'd want to keep theirs for other purposes.
But one thing did bother me a little. It seems like right after my daughter was born, a lot of my friends disappeared. I figured they'd assume that things had changed. They had, and they hadn't. Yes, I was now completely responsible for the well-being of another life, but I was still myself. I didn't want to be a mom who chatted only about kids.
Not many people reached out with prebaked lasagnas and offers to watch my daughter while I got a few hours of sleep. But I probably wouldn't have let them, anyway. When you're a new mom, sometimes you feel like you need to do it all on your own. If I could do it all over again, I would have been the one to call them and tell them that I needed a trip to Target. Or a bottle of wine. Or just the chance to gab about America's Next Top Model without thinking about crying babies and sleepless nights. Here are ways to keep your friend group strong, even if you're the only mom in the group.
Don't forget your friends' accomplishments and achievements.
Having a baby is huge. As a woman, you learn what your own body is capable of. That said, it's not the only thing a woman can be proud of. Make sure you stay on top of your friends' accomplishments and celebrate them when possible. Don't be afraid to grab a sitter to celebrate your best friend's birthday, and try not to say no to a coffee meetup, even if it's brief. By putting effort into your friendships, you won't feel like you're constantly trying to play catch-up.
Plan a girls-only annual vacation.
Will you miss your child? Of course you will. But by learning to be away, both of you will be healthier for it. A short trip with your girlfriends will make you feel like yourself again. Plus, if you make it an annual tradition, it'll always be a fun time to look forward to. Remember, you're not leaving for a month. You're taking a break and building other important relationships.
Find activities that are comfortable for both your friends and your kids.
Some people just don't like kids. Others like kids, but they don't want any of their own. If your friends are ecstatic to spend time with your child, use that to your advantage. (And trust me, if they're close to you, they're probably psyched about your kid.) Book friend-dates at places where you can catch up that happen to be kid-friendly. That, or plan hangouts in a park, where your child can let off some steam and you can enjoy the outdoors with your buddy.
Keep asking questions.
A simple text of "Anything good on Hulu you can recommend to me?" will spark up a conversation that puts them in the spotlight. If you're a brand-new mom who has chosen to pump, those recommendations are also lifesaving. Finding a new show is a great way to spend that time more productively, and it'll also give you a great conversation to continue with your friend.
Also, don't be afraid to reach out first. Text them about their day. Show them you have time in your life for both the baby and the friendship.
Try to reconnect with other moms.
You definitely know at least one other mom — you probably just haven't messaged them for years. With social media, it's not all that weird to pop up out of the blue all of a sudden. You do need some mom friends to help you stay sane. If you find the mom friends to talk about mom stuff with, you'll feel less compelled to say no to hangouts with friends who (reasonably) don't understand the perils of forgetting nursing pads at home. You'll feel like less of a stranger.
Be open and honest about your experience.
It is OK to gripe about motherhood to non-moms, but sometimes it can feel challenging. Parenting is an individual choice for everyone, but by being negative, you may feel like you made the "wrong choice." Remember, these are your friends. They know if you're stressed. They know that Instagram is a poor representation of what motherhood is actually like. You don't constantly have to enter the room with a story about how blessed you feel to have an angelic child. Have a sense of humor in regard to the tough stuff, and remember that you're not being judged or graded.
