Different couples have different expectations for their partners in a marriage or long-term commitment. In many households, both adults in a relationship have jobs outside of the home in addition to any home-based responsibilities. But in some households, one partner may not work at all.
If the arrangement is something everyone agrees to, then it's generally fine … until it's not. One man recently wrote on Reddit that his wife of seven years (and partner of 14) has desires and expectations for their lives that he feels he can't provide on his own.
He shares that his wife doesn't have a job outside of the home. Originally, this was the arrangement they both agreed to, but now he feels like it's time for it to come to an end.
First, the details:
The man begins by explaining that their agreement has worked for a while, but now both of their kids are beginning school, and he's wondering if it's time to come up with a new plan:
"I (34M) have been married to my wife (32F) for over 7 years and together for 14 years. [When] she became pregnant (24F at that time) we both decided that she would stay home since we wanted to raise our children with a parent in the household until they were of school age. In between that time we had a second and he is getting ready to start classes soon. We also just purchased a home better suited for us."
His job is solid, but it's not enough for what his wife wants:
"Expenses add up quickly and although I have a good job and we are comfortable financially that does not leave much room in our budget for frivolous spending. She wishes to take vacations, buy expensive things to decorate the house and wants to do renovations. I explain to her that we don't have much disposable income."
He pays for everything, and now it's becoming an issue.
He continues by laying out everything he's paying for:
"I pay her student loans, the mortgage, insurance (home, health, car). I pay for all the groceries, phone bills. Anything that requires money I pay for it all. Also she gets about $100 in her account per week for her things that she buys, usually hair product makeup and crazy organic instagram skin care routine and treatments. I don't care how she spends her money, but even with this she feels as if I resent her, when in reality I think that I'm holding her accountable to our agreement. I ask her for help and it turns into this big argument and we end up upset at each other for days or weeks. She tends to hold onto grudges but I'm tired of it."
On top of that, she refuses to learn to drive.
His wife also refuses to learn to drive, which means she doesn't often run errands or pick up groceries:
"Also she doesn't have a [license] and doesn't drive so she doesn't do shopping trips to the supermarket to get groceries. Everything is [dependent] on me. I just want some help to take the load off. Asked her to get her [license] and it becomes a big issues she studies for a bit and then nothing comes of it. I have no down time since I have to run all the errands or at least always be the chauffeur."
He needs help figuring this out.
So now he's turned to Reddit to ask: Who is in the wrong here?
"I would like to have some financial flexibility long term and build up savings and retirement account. Also have the ability to take vacations and enjoy some down time."
One person likened his wife to a 'spoiled cat.'
The top comment on the post lays out the issue pretty clearly: "It sounds like you've fostered a spoiled house cat who thinks money grows on trees and that you live to chauffeur her around."
The commenter added:
"Marriage is a partnership and you're doing most of the work. I would absolutely feel resentful if I were you. But you're both kind of responsible for the situation you're in now. You've been complicit by being complacent about this arrangement for so long that she now feels entitled."
Many people also think it's definitely time for a change.
Another person commended the couple for focusing on their children, but agrees that now it's definitely time for a big change:
"Please find a way to put a stop to this. Getting your kids to school age before returning to the workforce was smart and probably contributed greatly to your kids mental health. But now it's time to leave the house and you can't allow your wife's refusal to contribute turn you into a 2-house family with shared custody on the weekends."
In fact, a lot of people have similar stories.
It seems that a lot of people have seen relationships play out this way in their own families:
"My grandparents stayed in a committed, relationship spitefully hating each other until the day they died for similar issues. I agree with the above: don't drop this."
It sounds like the man is definitely listening.
The man who wrote the post has been very active in the comments, and it definitely sounds like he's listening:
"Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and comment on it, your replies have been genuinely helpful to me and have helped me see things in a new and clearer perspective. Much appreciated."
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