Becoming a mom is an anxiety-riddled transformation because a mom never stops worrying about her children. A new mother set a strict boundary for her toddler and in-laws because of easy access to a canal from their backyard. She wanted them to put in a fence, but when that did not happen, she banned her toddler from being alone with them at their house. Everyone seemed on board with it until her husband needed the grandparents for child care. Now, the mom is questioning her instincts.
This mom seems to have a good relationship with her in-laws but worries that because of their age and health conditions, they cannot prevent a drowning situation. She wonders if she is being too overprotective. Users on Reddit’s popular ATIA forum were happy to weigh in.
Grandparents are important, but in-laws can be tricky.
The original poster’s daughter is 18 months old. “My in-laws (mid 60s) have recently moved to a new house which has a really long garden which a canal runs alongside the whole length of,” she explains. “The garden runs straight up to the canal, there is no fence/bush etc to separate the water from the garden.”
A fence could solve the problem.
This mom fully understands she cannot control her in-laws' home but has real concerns about her daughter’s safety. “Now, I’ve previously raised concerns about my daughter and the canal because she’s super curious about water and also super quick on her feet,” mom goes on to explain. “My MIL initially said they’d build a small fence which was a great solution, but my FIL dismissed this saying there’s no need and they’ll just watch my daughter when she’s in the garden. Which fine, it’s their house and it’s certainly not my place to dictate what they should or shouldn’t do with their garden. But this being the case – I’ve drawn a hard boundary with my husband that my daughter can’t be there without either me or him whilst their is no fence between the garden and the canal.”
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Her in-laws have some health issues.
The mom goes on to explain that while her in-laws are young, their health issues make them slower to respond in emergency situations. “My FIL is classed as obese with a heart problem and is not particularly quick on his feet and my MIL is going through cancer treatment which has taken it’s toll on her strength. This being the case, I just don’t trust them to be quick enough to react a potential incident,” she clarifies.
This mom wants to follow her gut.
The issue goes deeper than this one incident. It appears there is a history of gaslighting here. “In the past when I’ve expressed concerns about them and my daughter and my husband has talked me into going along with whatever I’m concerned about with the assumption that 'they’d never do that' they have in fact gone on to do exactly what I was initially concerned about and proving my instincts right,” she explains. She does not want to be right about this situation.
Mom set a firm boundary but is second-guessing herself.
This became an issue when her husband wanted to use her in-laws for child care. It’s his friend's birthday and mom is away as well, so dad is in charge of care. Mom put her foot down about where their daughter should be while she is away. “I’ve said she can’t be at theirs without one of us so he either has to tell his mom she needs to come to ours to watch her, or he can’t go out for his friends birthday,” she said.
She goes on to ask: “AITA for making this a hard boundary? I know I can sometimes be over protective but this doesn’t feel like something you can ever be too vigilant over, especially with a toddler?”
The forum is on team mom.
Reddit was resoundingly on this mom’s side. Her fellow users did not think she was overreacting in the least.
One user put it in bleak terms: “Have you ever heard the kind of scream a mother makes when she realizes her child is dead? I have. Make zero compromises.”
First responders are impacted as well.
Another poster reminded the mom about how the death of a child impacts all who encounter the tragic situation.
“The death of a child is devastating to the family and also incredibly difficult on first responders,” one Redditor explained. “Especially when they walk into a situation that was so easily preventable. Honestly OP, I'd make this a hill to die on, either inlaws put up a fence or daughter does not go to their home unsupervised.”
Dad should be more concerned as well.
Many on the forum also cautioned this mom about her husband’s response. They wished the dad would take the situation as seriously as his wife.
“You cannot be with someone who is willfully willing to violate a boundary based on life and death circumstances,” advised one user.
The forum collectively urged the mom to stick to her guns.
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