Girl, I’ve got something to say: Bragging about your child’s unmatched perfection is like standing on the top of a mountain in a thunderstorm holding an umbrella — you may think you can see the world clearly, but inevitably lightning will strike, your brain will be fried, your hair will fall out, and you will not be able to talk in complete sentences.
I get it, you’re happy that you’re the only person alive who has figured out the secret to raising children. Take a moment and bask in your glory. For soon, your perfect sleeper will only do so in five minute increments. Your child who eats anything will insist on being fed only “soft things that are purple.” Oh, not you? You’ve got this whole parenting thing down?
I get it. Your child was potty trained at 13 months and they have never accidentally ingested cleaning supplies. Good for you. Now have another child. Test out your brilliant skills on a different set of chromosomes. Just like removing a poop stain off of a white onesie, the same procedure rarely works twice.
Susie Lou would never shove another a child, you say. Ah, yes. I’ve never seen Susie Lou shove anyone either. But while you were in the bathroom, I watched her pick a booger off the table and eat it. Yours may not be violent (yet), but she’s got "searching for a canary in a gold mine" down pat.
When you turn up your nose at another parent because their toddler is rubbing Elmer’s Glue on themselves in aisle seven at Michael’s, take pause. Perfection is not an attainable human trait, and it doesn’t suit children (or their moms) well.
Cut other parents (and yourself) a break: raising kids isn’t easy. They shove peanuts up their noses and try to do lines of Ajax off of the bathroom tile. They repeat curse words in front of grandparents, and during show and tell, they are going to rat you out for eating food off of the floor.
My 5-year-old is a great writer. Do I get hung up on that fact that she likes to write inappropriate words on everything (think things like slang words for intimate body parts)? Nah. She is merely practicing some of the most commonly used letters in the alphabet, while at the same time learning to label objects. (See how you can put a positive spin on just about anything?)
Each child, like a Baskin Robbins flavor, comes with its own unique ingredients. Go ahead, claim yours is pure vanilla, but watch out because one day I bet you’re going to find a stray fingernail or a hair ball in there. That’s just life with kids.
It’s all good. The parenting struggle is real. And when you’re sobbing alone in your closet because you’ve realized that you have no idea what you’re doing, reach out to the huge community of failing adults and revel in being mommy losers together. We are a tired, sometimes lonesome, group of people, and we need all of the friends we can get.
For more from Chelsey Tobiason, visit Girl from the North Country and Facebook.
