It’s fun to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. The answers usually reflect their current interests; construction worker, fire fighter, Lego builder, and teacher have all been on my kids’ lists. We also talk about the idea of them becoming parents one day. They’re only 10 and 7, but right now my kids say they want to raise children. It took me longer to know for sure that I wanted to do this, but once I did and had a partner who also wanted kids, becoming a parent was the ultimate goal.
Being a parent is part of who I am, but becoming one didn’t mean I was ready to give up all of my other roles and interests to claim that identity. But for a while I did. I became a stay-at-home parent when my twins were a year old; my oldest was in preschool at that time, and I lost myself in the early years of parenting; it took a toll on my physical and mental health. I wanted more but felt guilty for not being satisfied. I had everything I wanted, right? I needed someone to tell me what I am telling you: It’s OK if you want more out of life than being someone’s parent.
When we have kids, it’s hard to take time for ourselves, especially if we don’t have a partner or a partner who steps up and provides an equitable share of the parenting and household duties. But life does not have to revolve around the kids 24/7. My identity as a parent and the corresponding responsibilities are always there, but the tasks and to-do lists can often be paused and reprioritized.
Adjustments can be made and guilt can be released as we find ways to find ourselves beyond kissing boo-boos, making meals, and cleaning up messes. Selflessness is a quality we all need at times when our kids need us, but it’s not selfish to ask ourselves what we need and then attempt to achieve goals for ourselves.
I’m not talking about an hour here or there for alone time, I’m referring to those bucket-list items, personal goals, and dreams you have swimming in your head or written down in a journal. It’s never too late to follow — or find — your passion. Yes, having kids adds a layer of logistical planning, especially if they’re young. But if you have the ability to lean on someone, please take the help and do the thing that will light a fire in you, improve your earning potential, or benefit your mental health. Start a new career, go back to school, join the local improv group, take an art class, or volunteer in your community. Parents need and deserve to have autonomy, boundaries, and goals.
And when parents balance their time in a way that doesn’t allow them to be at every event, appointment, or sniffle, they shouldn’t be shamed or called a bad parent. Working to achieve our goals while helping our kids reach theirs doesn’t mean we love our kids less; it means we are showing them how to live life in a way that allows us to be adventurous, curious, happy, and authentic.
Also, many parents have to work longer hours or take late shifts in order to pay the bills. Not everyone has the privilege to stay home or be home when their kids get home from school. We leave snacks and a reminder to get homework done, and we apologize when we have to miss the extracurricular events.
I’m so thankful for my kids, and I love being their parent. But I’m a better and happier parent when I am also a friend, partner, student, athlete, and working professional. I need more in this life than just the title that comes out of my kids’ mouths. Not only don’t I want my kids at the center of everything I do, but I recognize what a hole that would create when they leave home.
If I build a life around only them, then what is my purpose when they are in college or starting their own lives and families? It will not be their job to make sure I’m OK and fulfilled. I want them to grow, live, and find independence outside of being my kids. I want them to maintain our connection and relationship while mimicking the example I have set on how to create a life with many paths of interests.
Our kids fill so much of the spaces in our hearts and everyday lives, but they are not the whole story. If my kids become parents, I will remind them to keep the pieces of themselves that complete their entire narrative. I encourage all parents to do this. You can love being a parent and want to be and be seen as so much more.
