I am extremely into love languages. The older I get, the more I really do think that they can help us all understand a lot more about ourselves and about the people we love, and that understanding love languages can help couples become even stronger.
If you're not familiar with the idea, here's a breakdown: There are five main love languages, and each of us primarily "speaks" in one when we approach relationships. The idea was developed by Gary Chapman, who wrote a book called The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
Each of the five love languages basically means what it sounds like:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Quality time
- Physical touch
For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, you love receiving compliments and praise from your partner above all else. If you don’t know your love language yet, you can take the test to find out what it is. There are four different tests: one each for people who are single, for couples, for teens, and even for kids (because they have love languages, too).
It can be really fun to find out what your love languages are when you're in a relationship … but what if when it comes to love, you each speak a different language? Fret not, dear ones. I have plenty of experience in this area.
My love language is acts of service, followed very closely by quality time. This means that I feel loved and valued when my partner does things that help me out (without me having to ask). The general idea that if this is your love language, the mantra "actions speak louder than words" is basically your truth.
However, every time I take the test, quality time is riiiiight under acts of service (most recently they had the same score). This means that I also love it when my partner puts away other distractions (phone, schoolwork, etc.) and we can just be together.
My husband's love language is physical touch, and that means exactly what you think it does: He responds best when he receives hugs, kisses, any kind of gentle touch that reinforces our bond together. It's great because physical touch is pleasant and nice, but it also means that we have totally different love languages. Mine are all about time and being together, and his is about being touched. What to do?
1. Learn about each other's love language.
First off, I have found it's really helpful to spend a little bit of time really learning about what my partner's love language means. After all, just because he scores highest on physical touch and I score highest on acts of service doesn't mean that we both don't like the other things, too — and it doesn't mean we don't have room to learn.
It's pretty easy to learn a little bit (or a lot) about what your partner's love language means and how you can make sure you take the time to perform it. There are endless results on Google about each love language, and Gary Chapman's book is obviously an ideal place to start.
2. Talk about what you've learned together.
After you've done your love language research, you'll probably be in the mood to … be loving! And what better way than to sit together and discuss what you've learned and how you see it manifested in your time together? You can also use this as an opportunity to talk about what you love about your relationship, what you each need from it, and where you hope your relationship is going.
3. Understand that it's totally OK to have different love languages.
It's really helpful to realize that tons of couples have different love languages, just like they also have different personalities and hobbies. That's OK! It's part of what makes life and love interesting. You and your partner having different love languages just means that you may have to put in a little bit of extra work to make sure you're really understanding one another and each communicating in a way that feels good to the other.
How we receive and express love is based on a lot of things, including our past and present. Your childhood absolutely plays a part in how you love and how you want to be loved — and so does everything that's ever happened to you. So unless you and your partner have eerily similar life stories, you're probably going to have different love languages. That's cool.
4. Be more open to learning and growing.
One of the best things that relationships do for us is that they help us open up and grow. We all learn something from every relationship we're in, whether it was a positive or negative experience. Our love languages do the same thing for us.
There are a lot of opportunities to grow when you and your partner speak a different love language. If you're together forever, you'll just keep learning more and more about one another. If you end up moving on to a new relationship, understanding that particular love language will only make you wiser.
5. Learn to compromise.
One of the best (and maybe worst) things about having different love languages is that it will definitely teach you a thing or two about compromise in a relationship. For some reason, "compromise" almost feels like a bad word, but it's something that everyone in a relationship has to do, usually over and over again.
Taking the time to understand how your partner wants and needs to be loved also means taking the time to compromise a little on how you want to express your love. It can be tempting to express love the way you like to receive it, but if that's not your partner's love language, they might miss your message completely.
