When it comes to public displays of affection, a lot of people have plenty of thoughts on what is and isn't unacceptable. This can definitely extend to parents, especially when they are partnered and raising kids. It's definitely important to be on the same page, and to agree on what you are and are not comfortable with when expressing PDA in front of kids in your home.
One dad has found himself wondering exactly what is acceptable. His 8-year-old son has recently moved in with the dad and his husband, and figuring out where to draw the line is brand new for all three of them. He recently posed the question on a Reddit forum:
"At first I didn't even know how to tell him that I'm married, let alone married to a man. On one hand I want to normalize it in his eyes, but on the other hand I feel like showing even the slightest bit of affection for my husband in front of my son would be unacceptable and it would be like exposing him to something that's too much for him."
Right from the get-go, this quandary is really interesting! In my experience, what is and isn't "too much" for a child varies as much as children do. Kids often don't react at all to the things that adults think are a big deal, and this dad is only talking about expressing affection in a perfectly healthy, normal way.
But wrestling with his own indecision is causing more problems than he intended. The dad goes on to ask, "So at this point I'm too scared to even hold my husband's hand in front of him. Which probably is just as bad as being too open with it?"
People immediately started to give the dad advice, and a lot of it is probably exactly what he needs to hear: It's important to model healthy love to kids.
"We are as affectionate as any other couple," offered one commenter. "We don't have sex or even make out in front of the kids but we'll give each other a quick kiss and we'll cuddle on the couch or in bed. It's no different than straight families. It's important to me that my kids see an example of a loving relationship."
Another person echoed this sentiment, writing that their family matters: "It's good for kids to know their parents (including step-parents), have good, healthy adult relationships. Your son will learn what good relationships are all about from watching you and your spouse. Be affectionate and respectful towards each other. I wouldn't let things get overly sexual, but affection is great. It doesn't make a difference that you're in a relationship with a man. You and your husband are his family."
And experts agree. Mayra Mendez, who is a licensed psychotherapist, says, "[It's] important for building secure attachment and reinforcing social-emotional development in babies and toddlers." The key is just making sure that you're not going overboard and demonstrating behavior beyond what your child can really comprehend.
Psychotherapist Steven Ing echoes this, saying, "Compatible, affectionate parents are perfectly positioned to teach their children about sexuality, consent, touch, and more. Knowing how affection works gives our children the gift of lifelong confidence in a world that's unfortunately filled with sexual shame. Teaching our children healthy and respectful ways to love those around them, and to be loved in return, lays a powerful foundation."
And the sexuality of the parents and their partner doesn't really impact this, like, at all. Another commenter wrote that she's seen her brother demonstrate safe, healthy love with his husband in front of their kids and it's fine: "It's not a big deal. I [am] straight but my brother is gay and married. His husband has a son from a previous heterosexual relationship and they have a daughter they adopted together. My kids know that their cousin has two dads and the dads kiss and love each other the same way my husband and I kiss and love each other."
A few people commented that they didn't quite understand why this question should be any different for two gay men who are married. The dad conceded the point, saying that he just doesn't want to mess anything up:
"we kind of had this conversation at the time when he was about to move in with me. and he's just a really sweet, smart and understanding kid. and i guess i love him so much that I'm afraid of being a bad example for him. but i know for a fact that being overprotective never has a good impact on kids. so all [in] all, just talking to him about it is the most reasonable option."
And if he's worried about his kid being grossed out, plenty of parents chimed in that they are in heterosexual relationships and their 8- to 10-year-old kids think that it's super gross when they kiss. It's just sometimes how kids react! So really, the dad has nothing to worry about at all.
When it comes down to it, raising kids is all about helping guide these wild little creatures into becoming strong, confident, happy adults. That doesn't mean that they'll never experience anything hard, but it does mean that when they do, they'll hopefully feel like they can turn to their parents for help. Letting his son see what love looks like between himself and his husband can only be great for the boy, and it will help him have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship can look like for himself.
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