Brittani Boren Leach, the pregnant YouTube star who lost her 3-month-old baby, Crew, last year, announced her new pregnancy just a few months ago. She's been sharing her devastating and uplifting journey through grief and pregnancy on social media. It's made followers feel like they are right there with her, holding her hand as she navigates all the emotions that come with her year of jarring and intense transition. Now she's sharing her feelings as her late son's first birthday approaches, and she admits it's been a terrible struggle.
The always candid Brittani took to Instagram to reveal her feelings before Crew's birthday, which takes place this month, and she let everyone know that it's been far from easy. It goes without saying that losing a child at just 3 months old is heartbreaking and earth-shattering. Becoming pregnant again felt like a huge blessing to Brittani, though. She has felt like Crew has been alongside her every step of the way.
Brittani's fans know she has a heart of gold. When her baby died in his sleep, followers were devastated to hear what had happened. Baby Crew was found unresponsive in his crib on Christmas Day. Two days later, she shared that he had died.
Since then, Brittani has used her platform to share her feelings, likely as a way to help her heal. She shared milestones, heartbreaking moments, and happy family celebrations. Brittani has three other adorable boys, but she surprised everyone when she announced that she was pregnant again, just a few months after Crew had died.
Now Brittani is sharing a deeply difficult struggle. Though her pregnancy has uplifted her and given her so much strength and happiness, she's also really feeling Crew's loss right now. As his first birthday approaches, in a little less than two weeks, she's feeling the pangs of unimaginable grief.
On Monday, Brittani opened up about her struggle on Instagram. In a lengthy post, she wrote, "Tomorrow is September 1, and I feel a looming cloud of dread washing over me. I should be planning for his 1st birthday party in two weeks. Instead I find myself lately sitting at red lights looking at pictures, bawling my eyes out behind my sunglasses."
She continued, "I suppose I never really sat and thought about how beautiful a birthday party in Heaven must be, until now. I wish I didn't have to, but knowing that I can't even begin to fathom the beauty of Heaven brings me some comfort. I don't have any wise words of wisdom to share this time, just my broken heart tonight and a precious picture of an angel with the most contagious smile. I had no idea I was holding an angel. ."
It's such a touching sentiment, but so hard to hear. No mother should have to go through what Brittani is experiencing. She misses her baby each and every day, but milestones can be extraordinarily tough. While her family is growing and she has tons to look forward to, she'll always yearn for the sweet baby boy who left the world too soon.
Still, Brittani has shown incredible strength and grit. While she admits she has so many fears about welcoming her new baby, it takes a brave mother to not let that fear stop her from growing her family. "I'm terrified that I will never sleep again, that I will never want to put him down, that my anxiety will be completely unmanageable," she said in a video last month. "So if you want to know why I've been absent, why there's been a lot of sponsored content lately, that's because that's all I can get out right now."
She also shared a beautiful post in honor of Rainbow Baby Day, writing, "'It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that we are not dealing with [its] aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.'"
"This quote simplifies exactly what having a rainbow baby means to me. I find peace in knowing that he was perfectly picked for our family with the help of his big brother in Heaven. In a few weeks I’ll be in my third trimester and I'm feeling every possible emotion on the spectrum. We can't wait to welcome this rainbow blessing. ."
As Brittani and the rest of her family await the arrival of their new baby, who is due in December, there are bound to be so many more emotions and tough days. But hopefully, there will also be some happy ones filled with love and warmth. But no matter what, Brittani is likely to share it all, letting others know that they can be strong, too, no matter what struggles they're facing. Brittani's overriding message seems to be that love always prevails, and watching her keep fighting is proof of just that.
