When it comes to being a single mom, there's a lot to talk about. One area that doesn't get enough chatter when it comes to women who are no longer married is love and sex.
When you go through a separation or a divorce, it's often assumed that there are too many things to worry about — kids, finances, and figuring out how to live your life as a solo person — to date. Moms are often told to "just focus on themselves." You know, as if moms no longer have desires once we're past the age of 30 or as if the right one will appear on our doorsteps like in some made-for-TV movie. Editor's note: They won't. You actually do have to put in some effort, even if you feel like it's being frowned upon because you're, like, not 18 anymore and all.
The idea that you should focus on yourself, and your dating life will just sort of sort itself out in due time, isn't meant to be harmful. There are a lot of great reasons to focus on yourself! But if you've been in a loveless (or sexless) marriage for years, you may be highly interested in exploring new partners or relationships.
I'm here to let you know that that is completely and totally OK and even healthy. With that, I'll be answering your single mom love, sex, and dating questions. Because, first of all, it matters. And second of all, dudes aren't the only ones who have romantic needs. Ya dig?
The first question comes from a reader we'll call Separated and Sexless.
She asks:
"Sex! How can I get over the nerves? I was with my husband for 12 years, I have a 9-year-old daughter, and I'm finally starting to see other people. My body has changed and I'm just feeling new and insecure about just about everything. Please help!"
Dear Sexless and Separated: Let me start by saying that asking this question, on its own, is incredibly brave. So many things happen toward the end of a marriage, not just in your body but with your entire person, that can lead to a lot of insecurity. The fact that you are thinking about your needs — and with that, imagining getting to a place where you feel comfortable enough to really address them — is a wonderful thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Having sex for the first time outside of your marriage is going to be scary. It just is. It's been years since you not only had sex but even went on a date with someone. Try to think back to the very first time you ever had sex. Remember how it took time and practice to get comfortable and find enjoyment in it, and realize that that could totally happen this time around. There are a lot of reasons for that, and none of them mean you're doing anything wrong.
On the flip side, there are a lot of things you may find surprisingly comforting about having sex with someone new. The first is that the issues with sex you may have had in your marriage don't have to follow you into new relationships or sex with new partners. If you didn't have sex for a long time, you may find that you have a renewed interest in sex, because it wasn't about not feeling sexual. It was about not feeling attraction to your old partner.
While it can be tough to feel comfortable in a body that has more than likely changed in the past 12 years — and changed from having a child — a body is only one aspect of sex. Your comfort with sex is going to come from two much more urgent pieces of the puzzle. First off, your own readiness. Secondly, your connection with your new partner or sex partner (zero judgment).
Having one-night stands, or kind of "getting it out of the way," is a tactic that a lot of people use to break the ice. There's really no shame in that game. If it's been a hell of a long time since you've had sex, by all means, get after it. But most people really find they enjoy sex more when there is at least some trust and familiarity with the person they're being intimate with. It's just the truth.
Feeling good in your body just feels good in general. So do what you personally need to do to feel good in your own unique body. That could be eating greens and walking and doing yoga. It could be looking in the mirror and telling yourself you're a badass who has handled everything life threw at her, because that is unquestionably true. It could be posting thirst traps on Instagram and shopping the heck out of a T.J.Maxx sale. Whatever makes you feel good in your skin, right now, at this stage of your life, do it and don't apologize.
Also, remember that the person you are having sex with has their own collection of body insecurities. Especially if they have also been married, divorced, and out of the dating game for a minute, or they are also no longer 18 (let's hope). But that is kind of one of the blissful things about dating later in life, honestly. It's sort of accepted that nobody's body is perfect. It comes with the territory. It comes with being older. Most people are just … happy to be having sex again, to be real with you.
Overall, remember that having sex is a basic human right, and you're stepping up to claim it. Good for you, Separated and Sexless! Because truth be told, it's not all that easy to do, and not everybody has the guts to look at their saggy boobs in the mirror and say, "I'm so worth it." (I'm projecting here — your boobs are totally fine, I'm sure.) But it looks like that's where you are, so take a minute to marvel at your own strength and bravery.
Also, get honest with yourself about your own readiness, and don't rush. Don't expect it to be perfect the first time. And most importantly, get ready to have a whole lot of fun. Sex really does get better with age. Bodies be damned.
