Last month, I met a really nice guy on a dating app. The first night I met him in real life, I found myself completely and totally drawn to him. He was confident and interesting, and we had so much to talk about. While he was really engaging and cute, I also was comfortable around him from the jump.
For the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely excited about a man I had met. Yay me! Single mom dating life isn't all horror stories!
Soon after, this guy started doing really sweet things for me. One morning, I mentioned via text that I hadn't slept well. Before I knew it, there was an Uber Eats delivery person at my door. This guy had sent me a Starbucks delivery of coffee, iced coffee, and coffee cake. I shoveled the cake in my mouth and thought about how sweet of a gesture it was. No one had done anything so thoughtful for me in a long, long time.
He didn't stop there. Because I'd been on a sober kick, he made me a batch of ginger beer from scratch and brought it to my house. He dropped it off on a day when I had my kids, too, so he knew we wouldn't be able to hang out. There was nothing in it for him. He simply did it to be kind and to let me know he was thinking of me. As a mom who doesn't often have people doing things for her, it felt good. Really good.
On my next free night, we had another date. We went out to dinner, had great conversations, and had some sexy time later. Everything about the night had been pretty flawless. There was nothing to worry about. No drama. No red flags.
The next morning, I woke up to a good morning text from the new man, who I was pretty sure wanted to be "my man" at that point. But for some reason, I didn't feel happy or excited. In fact, it was nearly lunch time when I realized I'd forgotten to reply to his text at all. I hurriedly sent him and apology. But the same thing happened throughout the day. And the next. I simply couldn't seem to remember to text him back.
The only red flag waving was my own.
I tried not to worry too much about the fact that I wasn't thinking about this guy all the time. I mean, I'm busy! I'm a mom! I have a job! Still … I knew that when I really liked someone, they were usually at the top of my brain. But this guy seemed so genuine and sweet. For once, it seemed like I had met someone who actually wanted to know everything there was to know about me. He inquired about my kids and seemed to really have the space for even the tough stuff in my life.
I brushed off my worries about what I wasn't feeling and accepted a third date.
This time, I went to his apartment for dinner. But even though there was nothing wrong at all, after about an hour, I felt really ready to go home. I couldn't push away the reality that I was feeling anxious. I ended up staying for another hour before letting him know I was tired and needed to go home. When I got into my car, I felt relieved to be alone again. But I couldn't stop wondering what was wrong with me. I had finally met a nice guy who checked so many boxes, yet my first instinct was to push him away. What gives?
It's been a couple of weeks since I said goodbye to this super-amazing yet somehow not-amazing-enough man. I've had some time to reflect about what went wrong. The truth is, nothing did. Still, there's no denying that I wasn't interested enough to keep the connection going. It's made me really examine what I'm looking for when it comes to men, and if a relationship is really what I want.
While, like a lot of single people, I often spend time feeling like it would be nice to have a partner, the truth is, maybe that's not actually what I'm looking for.
I realized that this is a bit of a pattern. After all, this guy was not the first to lose my interest after putting forth genuine effort. It's what always happens. The fact is, when potential partners who could realistically fit into my life come along, I'm not usually interested.
It's not that I am not interested in dating at all. It's just that I'm interested in men who relationships would make no logical sense with — men who don't make real efforts to get to know me, or who have too much going on in their own lives for a true connection to be possible. I've started to realize that there isn't anything super special about these guys at all. It's just that their perceived lack of interest feels a bit, well, safer.
I never thought I would be a person who runs from relationships. But it seems that's what I'm doing, because men who want more from me scare me half to death. They make me want to run fast and far. I think it's because I'm not ready for a full-blown relationship, even if sometimes I'm lonely and think I do.
If I'm really being honest with myself, I've been through a lot of epic breakups since becoming a single mom, and they have hurt me badly. Some of them, I thought I'd never recover from, but now that I have, I'm really not ready to get hurt again. But it's not just the breakups that scare me — it's the idea of trying to blend my life with someone else's. It's so much work, and truly, my life is just fine as it is.
I didn't bother telling the-guy-who-tried any of my newfound realizations. Honestly, if someone was feeding me all of this "it's not you it's me" fluff, I wouldn't buy it. I'd wonder what wasn't good enough about me and what I did wrong. So I told him I wasn't interested and left it at that.
As for me, I'm back on the apps because, hey, single moms have needs. I still want company, connection, dates, fun. And who knows? Maybe sooner or later someone will crack the code.
