To me, single moms are basically superheroes. Maybe I have that perspective because I am one, and I know just how much goes into keeping everything from falling apart, each and every day. But not everyone shares my unique perspective. In fact, one of the biggest things that shocked me after I became a single parent was just how much and how often I felt like people were judging me.
When you're a single mom, it seems like all of your choices are up for discussion. When it came to my dating life, people always asked if I was thinking about the kids, as if my needs weren't also important. They didn't agree with my schedule with my ex-husband, which is 50/50 custody, and felt I should have my kids more often because "kids need their moms." The list goes on … and on and on.
The judgments single moms face on the regular are tough to deal with, and it really ends up feeling like a slap in the face. It makes us want to say, "Man, you really have no clue what you're talking about." It makes us want to rage-write a powerful essay about why judging single moms is so ridiculous.
Well, that's what one mom just did, and her essay is spot on.
Ashley Rodgers is a single mom of four who was fed up with being judged. She wrote a piece for the popular parenting site Scary Mommy about just how damaging it can feel. The piece has taken off, and for good reason: She totally nails it.
"What do you picture when you hear 'single mom'?" she begins. "Do you imagine a woman more worried about her next drink than her son’s baseball game? Maybe you picture a woman smoking a Virginia Slim on the rickety porch of a beat up old trailer while her kids play down the road without any shoes on."
The thing is, there are so many assumptions about single moms, and most of them are way off base. Ashley is here to set the record straight. The writer and employee at a Missouri school district says the phrase "single mom" means a whole lot more to her.
"It’s the woman who sits at her desk worrying about how she’s going to turn her lights back on before she picks her kids up from school," Ashley writes. "The woman who has maxed out every credit card she owns to make sure her kids have presents to open Christmas morning wrapped neatly under the dollar store Christmas tree."
It's sort of incredible that anyone who doesn't walk in the shoes of a single parent would judge. But the truth is, there is simply so much that goes into parenting when you parent alone. Ashley talked to Good Morning America about her life.
"I feel like the mental image of a single mother is so incredibly negative and we need to challenge that," she said. "I want people to think about what's behind the scenes and I want them to know that what you're seeing is a very small piece to a very large puzzle."
In the piece, she talks about the hardships that people don't often think about. It's a really important discussion, too, and one that people might not think too much about. Mainly because, when you're too busy judging, it's hard to think about what really goes on. In one pointed line, Ashley writes, "That woman, the one you silently judge, she has been through more h-ll than you can ever imagine."
She's not wrong. Single moms have been through it all. From feeling the stress of parenting with no other helping hands around to pitch in to loneliness to just being misunderstood or misrepresented — it's not easy. But if there's one thing single moms learn how to be, it's tough.
She also addresses something really important that doesn't get discussed enough: how often the bulk of the parenting responsibility still falls on moms after a divorce.
"If they were a man," she writes, "they would be given a hearty pat on the back and an 'atta-boy' for paying their child support on time. Women would tilt their heads and smile when they walk by them in the grocery store as they’re trying to figure out what snacks to buy for the kids’ lunch boxes for school the next week."
Ashley's essay is really to the point. But it feels like something that was so needed. So many moms deal with this kind of constant judgment about their lives. For single moms? It feels even harsher. And while many people can be well meaning, assuming we don't care enough about our kids because we couldn't make it work with a partner just adds more stress to our already very full lives.
Ashley says that as a single mom, it's impossible to "just be a parent." And it's true. There is so much to accomplish, we have to spread ourselves thin sometimes. But mostly, it means we just work harder. And sometimes, we have to practice being gentle with ourselves.
"By showing our kids grace we're granting grace to ourselves," she says. "We are just one person. There's only so much that one person can do."
It would be nice if the rest of the world could show us a little grace, too.
