The relationship between a stepparent and a biological parent can really go so many ways. In the ideal scenario, all adults are able to get along well enough, especially in front of the kids. Unfortunately, this isn't always true or even possible.
The thing about stepparents is that they're adults who are in a situation together but also separately. While everyone is focused on the kids, everyone's also maintaining separate households with separate philosophies, practices, and rules.
One stepmom has shared on Reddit that she and her husband are parenting his two daughters. It's mostly great, except their mom has a lot of expectations for how the girls dress and wear their hair that the stepmom and her husband don't agree with, and it's starting to become a problem.
She describes their relationship as 'decent.'
It sounds like the stepmom, dad, mom, and stepfather all more or less get along, mostly:
"Hello, I'm 30F married to my partner 51M and he has two beautiful stepdaughters aged 8 and 10. We have a decent co-parenting relationship at 50/50 with their Bio Mom BM and her new husband."
In fact, everyone really does split everything.
"We carpool, help their high school aged step-sister with her homework (both husband and I work in education), share holidays and some vacations/outings to show/demonstrate the kids we are one big happy family."
However, they have different ... aesthetics.
The mom and stepmom are different in a fairly major way:
"BM has higher standards for appearances than I do. She always wears make-up, heels, very nice outfits, is very put together and [takes] pride in her outward appearance. To her credit, she always looks very nice. She expects the girls to be dressed to perfection no matter if they are going to a wedding or Wendy's, hair must be done, cloths pressed and shoes polished."
She respects this, but also doesn't always adhere to it.
The stepmom says she gets it, but being perfectly presentable doesn't always vibe with the lifestyle that she and her husband share with the children:
"This is all well and good, but they are children. Me and Husband are much more relaxed and just want the girls to be comfortable with what they are wearing, how they wear their hair, etc. We take the girls on spontaneous, socially distanced outings like picnics and long walks in the parks to get them off screens and to exercise, so we all dress comfortably so we don't have to stop at home to change or bring extra clothes."
She has her own history with hair.
The stepmom also explains that she's biracial, and she has her own relationship with hair that isn't super great:
"I'm a mixed race black woman and my Husband, BM and children are white. I grew up with getting painful hair procedures that would take hours and hours and was told I had to just endure it (I'm sure many can relate)."
So her feelings are layered.
As a result, she really feels that kids shouldn't have to wear uncomfortable hairstyles just because:
"BM insists on giving them tight ponytails, hair bands, clips, pigtails, everything which they promptly remove as soon as they are with us because they get headaches. Even though they will never endure those painful hair procedures that I did growing up, I don't feel like forcing a kid to wear their hair in a painful way just because it looks nice."
However, their bio mom might have overstepped.
But … the other day, things escalated:
"BM has asked me on several occasions to do the girls hair every single day, even if there is nothing special planned. Even during a pandemic where we are distance learning, she wants me to choose their outfits and do their hair in the morning even if their cameras are off on Zoom. To this, I tell her 'I will if they let me.'"
She says even the kids don't like the hairstyles.
"Also, because of the pressure BM gives them on their hair, they absolutely HATE getting their hair done. I will insist on brushing and styling their hair if they are SUPER scraggly, but otherwise they are content to brush and style their own hair. They both prefer either down or a low ponytail for their medium length hair. Both Husband and I think they look beautiful with their natural selves and they are happy and more relaxed because they are able to make their own choices."
But the mom saw that their wasn't done and reacted.
On a recent video chat, the mom noticed that their hair wasn't done, so she brought it up:
"Today, BM messaged Husband to ask me yet again to do the girls hair because they video chatted and she noticed both of them had their hair down."
So: Should she do their hair every day?
Now she wants to know what Reddit thinks. Should she do their hair every day even if they don't want her to?
Unsurprisingly, the good people of Reddit have thoughts!
First of all, those hairstyles are probably damaging.
For starters, hair shouldn't hurt, as one commenter noted:
"Hairstyles shouldn't hurt. If they do, [they're] doing damage."
Plus, the kids are old enough to have a say.
Another person noted that the girls will probably react to their mom's preference by cutting off their hair as soon as they can:
"Poor kids, if mum puts that much pressure on them, the first rebellious teenage act will probably be cropping their hair short. I love that you respect their opinion and trust them to take over pet of their routine themselves."
Plus, different homes have different rules.
Another person pointed out that each house has its own rules, and the mom doesn't get to dictate what happens in the stepmom's home:
"As a separated parent myself, the Mom in this situation is getting far too much of a say about what goes on in YOUR home and dictating YOUR actions. That's not on. Draw a line. She can do what she wants when she has the children, but she doesn’t get to dictate to you. You two have to do what works for you in your household and as long as you're putting the children first then there's no issue."
Plus, the kids are old enough to do their own hair.
On top of that, the kids are old enough to manage their hair alone. One commenter noted:
"At 8 and 10 they should be able to make some basic choices like this on their own. They’re not dolls, you’re trying to raise them to one day become independent adults and making their own choices in small steps like this is how they slowly get to that."
"She doesn't get a say in how you parent in your home. Your husband needs to deal with this and now."
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