No matter how forward-thinking and evenly split a household is, it's still often true that when it comes to parenting in a heterosexual partnership, moms tend to carry a lot of the load. This is partly because plenty of people still believe that women are more natural caregivers and should be the primary parents and partly because, to be honest, it can be tough to have a conversation about being a better parent with your partner.
A lot of media attention is focused on parenting woes that heterosexual couples can face, but when it comes to raising kids, it can be hard for any couple to have uncomfortable conversations about who is and isn't doing a great job with the kids.
Here are a few ideas for prompts and starters that just might make having this tough conversation a little easier.
Don't Have the Conversation in Front of the Kids
To begin with, it's important for parents to be able to parent as a team. This is true for anyone who is involved with parenting your children at all, from their biological parents to stepparents and partners to guardians. It can be tough to do it every time, but parenting as a team usually makes tough moments easier to handle.
One way to keep up the team vibe is to make sure you're having conversations about parenting style and responsibilities away from your children. As New Jersey psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore told WebMD, kids are always listening, but they might not be able to really understand what they're hearing.
Instead, ask your partner if the two of you can have a conversation at a time that makes sense, like after bedtime or when you know your children will be out of the house.
Ask Open-Ended Questions Instead of Leveling Accusations
Feeling like your partner isn't being a great parent can be stressful and exhausting, and that makes it more likely you might approach your partner with accusations. It could be helpful to try using open-ended questions instead, like:
- What does it mean for you to be a parent?
- What do you think each parent should contribute to a family?
- How available do you think each parent should be to their kids?
- What does it mean to be an available parent to you?
- How happy are you with your role as a parent now?
Make Sure You Are Really Communicating What You Need
A lot of us have the tendency to expect our partners to read our minds, and, sadly, it's just not something that happens that often. Instead of assuming your partner will know what you need as a parent, or that they will step up and perform their role in your family the same way you do, you might need to directly address your wants and needs. While doing so, make sure you're also asking your partner what their own wants and needs are.
If you've just asked your partner a series of open-ended questions and the two of you have discussed their answers (and you've offered your own), then you can start talking about solutions. Make sure you're really hearing one another, and make sure you each get space to explain what you think will help your partnership survive raising kids.
Here are examples of things you might try saying:
- I feel like I need more help at bedtime, especially with Susan. What kind of support do you think you can offer?
- I worry that there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. What responsibilities do you think you could take over from me?
- Sometimes I feel like I need to ask you to help me over and over. What could I try differently to make sure I'm really getting through?
Consider Bringing in a Professional
If you and your partner need help learning to communicate, then it might be a good idea to bring in a therapist or licensed professional who can help you gain those skills. After all, you could ask a hundred perfectly crafted open-ended questions, but if your partner won't give you more than a two- or three-word answer, you're still stuck.
Sometimes we also feel defensive when our partner brings up something about ourselves that is making their lives more difficult. That's totally understandable, but that doesn't mean a defensive partner is easy to deal with. That's also when a therapist could be a valuable addition to your parenting team, at least for a while.
Let Your Partner Express How They Feel, Too
If you're struggling and feel like you are pulling most of the weight in terms of parenting, it can be easy to forget that your partner might feel like they don't get the space to parent in the first place.
Whether or not that's true, it's definitely helpful to consider that your partner could have their own list of things they'd like to talk to you about, too. Make space for that list, and try not to refute every single thing on it right away. Sometimes we grow the most when we listen to what someone else thinks about us and our behavior, even if that's unpleasant or hurtful.
After all, no one is perfect, and the goal isn't to be The Very Best Parent On Earth — it's to be able to co-parent with your partner in a way that is healthy, happy, and beneficial for the entire family.
Accept That You Won't Agree on Everything
If you and your partner are struggling because you haven't established who should take care of each responsibility that comes with raising kids, that's something you can likely solve with the tips above. But if you're struggling because you fundamentally disagree about how to be a parent, you might need to figure out a way to meet in the middle.
As much as we love our partners, that doesn't mean they'll see parenting the same way we do. As long as your children are centered and are loved, try to give your partner the space to parent the way they feel moved to, even if it's nothing like what you do. You just might learn a thing or two!
