Two parents are at a total loss: Their teenage son has spent the last three nights defying the local social distancing requirements by sneaking out to have various misadventures. These include seeing friends and breaking into closed parks to get into fights with other teenagers. Yes: actual physical fights.
One of the parents turned to the internet for help. Even though their son has "proven to be responsible in the past," it seems that he has definitely taken a turn:
“On the first night, he went out and got into a fight at the closed park.
“Last night he asked to go on a jog, I specifically told him not to enter the park or be in close contact with others. Ended up going to watch a fight in the park with more than 30 people. Had to flee when the police arrived.
“I put him on home lock down today. Wife let him go to the corner gas station for a soda. He ended up riding 5 miles away to play basketball with friends at another closed park. Did not return home for almost 5 hours.”
The parents are already stressed out about their son's behavior, and they have two really good reasons to be extra concerned: He has two immunocompromised siblings at home.
"Some context, we have 3 other children at home. Two of which, have cystic fibrosis with compromised immune systems."
The parents are really worried, and they aren't sure what the best reaction is for what's going on in their home:
"I have no idea how to approach this. I know if I come down hard like I really want to, he may disappear entirely."
This is a really tough situation to be in. As it is, some teenagers are just really into sneaking out and being with their friends anyway. When you combine that impulse with the health crisis that has brought new social distancing requirements for all of us, the entire situation gets extra intense.
People who responded with advice were definitely able to latch onto that intensity right away. One person wrote that this is just flat-out unacceptable:
"You have two immunocompromised children whose lives could be on the line. Lock the kid down and if he chooses to bolt then he just may need to crash with friends until this thing is over. No way I’d let one child’s idiocy endanger the lives of two other innocent children."
But another person asked if something could be going on that sparked the sudden change. The lives that teens lead are complex, and they're often a little mysterious to their parents.
"He was responsible in the past? Maybe he's going through something right now and can't handle it? What's he say? Is something boring up on social media perhaps? Does he get enough one on one time with you?"
The parent was quick to respond that it feels like this has been building for quite some time:
"I consider our close quarters quarantine to be a likely driver of this behavior.
“I don’t know about his social media, he does an excellent job of hiding his online activity and I am not one to be constantly invading his privacy, but this recent behavior has warranted a look.
“As far as I can tell, these fights are not linked to any boiling social problem. The person he fought the first night was apparently just fighting for the sake of fighting. They don’t even know each other.”
The parent added more:
"But the long distance ride to go play basketball and ghosting us for 5 hours, I'm unsure about. That seems to be a direct attempt to push the boundaries to the extreme.
“When he did finally get home I sent him directly to the shower and quipped that he’s going to be sleeping in a tent on the front lawn tonight.
“He came back downstairs, not having showered, carrying a blanket, and asked where we keep the tent.”
Another parent said that whatever they decide, the two parents of the teenager should be totally united:
"The most important thing is that you and your wife need to be on the exact same page – if you both agree he can't go ANYWHERE – then you may have to lock him in the house to do that. If you guys agree he can go out , but must strip and shower before he does ANYTHING else to protect your other children – enforce that."
One person suggested that the parents might need to loop in a professional:
"Not sure about your finances… but could you afford to pay for an appointment with the pediatrician to explain to him what will happen to his siblings if he exposes them to this illness? I think it’s time to crack down hard on him. No social media. No going out. Family bonding time. If he doesn’t want to participate in family bonding activities that’s fine. He may either read a book (not an ebook – a good old fashioned book). That’s it."
Which the parent liked … but isn't sure will work:
"I would like to have taken him with us to our upcoming trip to their cystic fibrosis specialist at the children's hospital, but our visit has turned into a teleconference due to the pandemic.
“I can have him sit in on the call, but I don’t think it will have the same effect.”
And it might also be important to validate his feelings, even if the parents don't understand them:
"I can only imagine how a teen is feeling right now, especially as an oldest child. He didn't choose to have 3 younger kids (two of whom get special treatment because of their condition) around. He is probably sick of the sight of his siblings and that's normal and a totally valid feeling. Many parents have expressed that they are sick of being around their kids 24/7, but we signed up for it and made the choice to deal with kids. He never got asked if he was cool with having to deal with 3 younger kids."
It could be that the teen has just hit a wall with this entire experience, and maybe he could benefit from one-on-one time with his parents. The teen years are hard enough without all of this extra weight:
"You need to bond with him, treat him with respect, show him that you're not just his father, but can also be his best friend, and I don't think you'll ever get a better opportunity to bond with him than now, it doesn't have to be complicated, just spend time with him.
“Of course it wont be easy though, he’s 15 and a teenager, its the time where he grows distant from his parents, you should push your relationship to continue evolving with the [activities] mentioned above, this way should eventually earn you his respect and trust, which will be beneficial even when he becomes an adult, he’ll know that he can ask you for life advice or open up.”
While the parent of the teen is confused, and has even said that they aren't sure where all of this behavior is coming from, it's still important to keep pushing and trying. These are weird times for the best of us, and it would be hard for a teenager to keep perspective on a situation like the one we are all in.
