I Drank Gin And Tonics And Watched The Entire New Season Of ‘The Crown’ And Here’s What To Know

First things first: I started out my day with coffee — and even made sure I had breakfast. I don't know about you guys, but I can't do alcohol first thing. And it's a good thing that I decided to hold steady because the first two episodes are doozies, and it was nice to be able to follow along with the plot while also anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Perpetual Queen Of My Heart (Diana). (Sorry, Elizabeth.)

I took notes from each episode, mostly for things I want to fact-check and that will not spoil a single thing, and my closet door is currently covered in purple (for royalty!) sticky notes that start out making sense but end up frantic and haphazard. I also decided to try out as many crown filters as I could find on Instagram (until I forgot to keep looking), and so … let's go!

OK, first things first: I had no idea Princess Anne was in the Olympics. Like, I fully thought Netflix just made this up for the show, but it turns out they are telling the truth! I don't know about you, but just that alone makes me feel totally certain they are 100% telling the truth about everything else in this show, likely to the deep, wrenching shame of Prince Charles.

But back to our fair Olympian: Anne totally rode her mom's horse, Goodwill, in the 1976 Olympic Games. I just cannot. What an athlete!

I was also stunned by all the hunting that happens in this episode. Like, I get it, and we all know the Queen and co. love hunting to the extreme, but it's kind of a lot.

Oh, oh, oh — this is a really good one, you guys. So the Queen invites Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher out to Balmoral. If you know much about the royals, you probably know that the Queen loves Balmoral. The castle is in Scotland, and it's generally believed to be the Queen's favorite place. I won't tell you what happens once the Iron Lady arrives, but let's just say I am now looking into coming up with protocol sheets for every room in my house.

This episode is also a big one for Diana Spencer, whom Charles is getting serious about. Or, you know, whatever getting serious really means.

Oh, YOU GUYS — this is where the show really starts to pick up steam, especially if you are like me and are watching it 99.9% for all the Diana moments.

But: Before we get into that, I need to flag something that genuinely disturbed me. Is it just me or is there totally a mouse that runs across the screen during the first few moments while the Queen Mother is watching TV? I am pretty sure there is, but I don't know if it's on purpose or if it's just something really wild that happened to be caught. Netflix! Please supply answers.

Also featured in this episode: Diana's super-cute friends who share a London flat with her, Prince Charles being the most and already demonstrating just how dedicated he really is to this relationship, and Stevie Nicks. I. Die.

Oh, so. I was very delighted by this episode from the jump because they spelled favorites the British way (which makes sense, but still). Also, I won't tell you what year this episode jumps ahead to but suffice to say that I texted a friend in ALL CAPS BECAUSE I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

Other thoughts:

• I always forget the Queen has a son named Edward. Sorry, Edward.
• Gillian Anderson is incredible and completely melts into her role as Margaret Thatcher.
• Princess Anne is in a *way* about Princess Diana in this episode, woo!

Prince Charles is also extra obnoxious in this episode, and he strongly reminded me of this intellectual jerk I dated for a little bit this summer. In addition to being a generally unkind person, this guy told me, with a tone that implied this was obvious and factual for everyone, that he could never use measuring spoons that were kept together on a ring because then he has to wash all of the spoons, even the ones that he doesn’t use … and he told me this while he held a set of plastic measuring spoons that were held together on a ring that you can unclasp, thus allowing one to use — and wash — the spoons individually. Why are men?

I hate to acknowledge this in any kind of public way, but this episode lost my attention entirely. I do blame this mostly on (a) the conversation I was having with someone while streaming it, because the conversation was very engaging and distracting in the best way, so I kept finding my attention more focused on my phone and only being pulled back in by the events of the episode every so often, like when I realized Michael Fagan really did break into the Queen's bedroom, and I subsequently wrote "WHAT" and "white male terrorism" on my sticky note and that was it.

Now is a great time to also tell all of you a few relevant details:

• I don’t know how to make gin and tonics, and I also don’t have bar tools, so I eyeballed it.
• My first was very, very strong.
• I weigh around 125 pounds and eat all day, but alcohol goes straight to me.

So I think we all can understand the two things I wrote on my sticky note:

"What women have to put up with for fleeting moments of love" (rest assured, this also became the topic of a Very Long Phone Call with a friend at the episode's conclusion) and "EGO."

This ep is all about a work trip that Princess Diana and Prince Charles took with Prince William to Australia back in the day, and it's also the one where you realize how pro-Diana everyone at Netflix is. Bravo.

Oh, oh, oh. If you have seen an episode of this show ever, nearly any episode, definitely any season, you know that Princess Margaret absolutely steals every scene she's in. Vanessa Kirby played her perfectly, and Helena Bonham Carter fully owns the role in a way that quite literally takes my breath away sometimes. This episode uncovers a dark secret that the royals have generally kept out of the public, and it shows Margaret's reaction to it when she learns about it. That is super vague, but giving away any more would have you Googling, and you really should make sure you watch this one. Helena is a treat.

I will freely admit that this was the point at which I totally lost the thread of the show and decided it was in my best interest to eat dinner and go to sleep. This is supremely unfortunate because the episode centers around the end of apartheid rule in South Africa, and the Queen and Margaret Thatcher really go head to head in a way that I imagine is spectacular. I'm planning on rewatching!

This morning I found myself awake at 5:30 .a.m and unable to go back to sleep (gosh, I wonder why?), so I decided to round out the last two episodes so I could give you, Dear Reader, this crucial review.

"Avalanche" is about an actual avalanche that Prince Charles survived, but it's also obviously about the metaphorical avalanche that is coming for Charles and Diana — and really, the entire fam. The Queen hits the couple with a demand, and they both respond in different ways. We all know how the story will end, so at this point it's kind of like the part in Titanic right before they hit the iceberg and you somehow still think that maybe this time they'll miss it, even though you've seen the movie 500 times and also you know in real life they most definitely will not and did not.

Season finales of The Crown are always intense, and this one is no different. Prime Minister Thatcher discovers that her entire cabinet, and possibly the nation, are against her, and she discovers this following a particularly treacherous act by someone she'd trusted for years.

Princess Diana is nearing the end of what she can truly tolerate from Prince Charles, and we begin to see the first glimpses of the activism work she did and genuine compassion she held that would label her the People's Princess … though Charles still somehow manages to find a way to twist even this.

It's worth repeating: If there were any doubts about whose side Netflix is on, it's crystal clear by the season's end.