Whether it’s triggers from a past trauma, stress and burnout, perimenopause causing irritability, or simply kids that won’t stop fighting, moms yell. And then, we feel guilty. We apologize, tell our kids it’s not nice to raise our voices, but it happens. The first step to overcoming our anger is understanding what anger is, according to Jessica Sinarski, LPCHM, Author, speaker, clinical supervisor, and founder of BraveBrains. Sinarski is author of Riley the Brave's Big Feelings Activity Book: A Trauma-Informed Guide for Counselors, Educators, and Parents.
“Anger itself is not a bad thing,” says Sinarski. “In fact, anger is a powerfully protective emotion. When our brains pick up on some kind of threat—stress, fear of failure, frustration, disappointment, grief, or feeling left out — chemicals and electrical impulses are set in motion to activate our ‘fight or flight’ state. This happens in the primitive lower portion of our brains, coined the ‘Downstairs Brain’ by Siegel and Bryson in The Whole Brain Child. Pupils dilate, heart rate increases, breathing quickens, and thoughts narrow as we instantly prepare to fight or run away from the ‘danger’ in front of us. Unfortunately, that ‘danger’ might be your child acting defiant or disrespectful, pushing boundaries in the ways teens do, or simply forgetting to clear their dishes. Anger lets us know that something is wrong, but it is not very good at figuring out what the real problem is.”
Once you’re able to recognize anger, Sinarski encourages getting to know yourself. “What are the clues that anger is taking over? Only then can you start understanding and managing how your other feelings or past experiences are fueling that anger.”
If you have more than one kid, chances are that you break up a lot of arguments. Sinarski shares a few tips for parents to get through to their children without escalating emotions. “Take a breath and make sure your ‘Downstairs Brain’ isn’t running the show. As you teach your kids healthy communication strategies, they will be able to work it out more and more. If things are escalating, however, there are some things you can try. Use a simple phrase like, ‘Let’s take a break’ or ‘Let’s cool out’ as you walk with them to discharge some of that angry energy. They might need some alone time or help shaking it off, coloring, or something else to let their ‘fight of flight’ state settle. You can also teach and use ‘I feel’ statements to help them communicate about the conflict.”
Here’s a simple formula to try:
I felt _ _ _ _ _ _ when _ _ _ _ _ _.
Next time may I / could you please _ _ _ _ _ _.
Sinarski gives an example of how it played out in real life between two siblings: “I felt frustrated and like you don’t care when you said that trick I did on my skateboard was easy. Next time could you please just say it was cool?”
If you can’t get your kids to listen to you, there’s another trick that they won’t expect: sing! “Sing what you are feeling out loud in a rock opera, country, or random sing-song voice,” Sinarski says. “For example, 'I don’t like hearing all this yelling,' 'I want to yell but I’m trying not to,' 'I feel so frustrated when I see you fighting,' or 'This is not what I want our family to sound like.'”
If you grew up in a family of fighting and are trying to break generational patterns, Sinarski says that you’ve already made progress. “It’s a big deal to simply want to disrupt that pattern. Because of how our brains wire in early developmental stages, many people wind up repeating the patterns laid out for them by their parents. Simply deciding to show up in a different way is worthy of recognition, and I congratulate every parent who has decided that there's a better way to be. Every time you catch a ‘Downstairs Brain moment’ in yourself — one second earlier, one sensation earlier — is an important step in breaking this cycle and disrupting the toxic habits that were prevalent in previous generations.”
Sinarski notes, “Your brain was wired to defend, and you are learning to be the boss of your brain. Talking it out with other parents on the journey, beginning a mindfulness or meditation practice, or getting some help from a trauma-informed mental health professional can support you on the journey. Whatever step you take, know that it is making a difference for generations to come.”
Learning how to manage anger is a process and Sinarski notes, “Even the best laid plans and the most positive strategies won't create frustration-free parenting. This job is hard, especially if we live in a neurodiverse family or are parenting in the aftermath of trauma. This is why some yelling is pretty much inevitable and apologies are crucial. Apologies help our child to feel seen and like their experience matters. When you own your part of the conflict without tying your actions to your child’s behavior, that builds trust. That said, if yelling and then apologizing were our go-to strategy, the apology would be meaningless. It would simply be a way for us as the parent to let ourselves off the hook and would send the message that we're not committed to our child's experience. That’s a quick way to lose their trust.”
Sinarski sums up, “As with most human things, managing anger is a journey, not a destination. Humans function best when we feel safe, seen, and valued. Trauma violates all three of these things. An important part of your journey may be acknowledging to yourself that the ‘tiger’ in your ‘Downstairs Brain’ served an important purpose in your life. It’s normal that it wants to continue to roar. It is trying to protect you. Bring your big, beautiful ‘Upstairs Brain’ to that tiger inside with some compassion. You are safe now. I see you trying to break that cycle, and that is incredibly valuable for you, your child, and generations to come.”
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