My son and I like to tell anyone who will listen that our ideal living arrangement is that he lives across the street or next door to us when he’s an adult. I mean … it’s true! At least, it is right now. He’s about to be 11, and I’m sure that in the coming years, he might change his mind about that.
Despite wanting to keep him as close as I can, I’m a big fan of my child fully embracing age-appropriate independence.
I wouldn’t have been chill enough to let him walk to school by himself when he was 4 or 5 like they do in Japan, but my husband and I know the importance of fostering independence in our tween as he grows.
Instilling true independence — the kind that also nurtures confidence — hasn’t always been such a piece of cake. We are still actively thinking about the topic and trying new things all the time. Every child is different and approaches may need to be tailored for every family.
So far, here’s what’s worked for our family to encourage age appropriate independence in our tween:
1. Chores, Chores, Chores
Our child has had his own chores since he was 3 or 4. We strongly believe that everyone who lives in a home together has a part in keeping that home going.
The chores have varied based on his age. Right now, at almost 11, he’s responsible for feeding his gecko, making sure the dogs go in and out of the house, starting the laundry if he sees it needs to be done, putting away his laundry, and a few miscellaneous tasks.
He gets an allowance, and it’s based less on the idea that he will do X, Y, and Z each month and more on the idea that if we ask him to do something, he does it. So sometimes he does those tasks, and other times he does other stuff as well, and then still other times he does whatever we need assistance with. Sometimes, he gets dinner started. Sometimes, he makes coffee (especially if he wakes up first on a weekend).
The whole goal of chores, at least for us, is to give him a sense of accomplishment and reward. Also, to be real, I don’t want to raise a boy to adulthood without him knowing to clean up after himself, feed himself, and do laundry.
2. Involve Them in Their Future
We homeschool, so every so often, we have family check-ins where we discuss what’s been working and what hasn’t and what we’d like to try in the future.
Instead of us dictating to him what he will and won’t learn, we actively involve him in the discussion. This inclusion has led to some truly great stuff — he is currently learning French because he wanted to and Spanish because we asked him to, and we recently finished an incredible US history study that incorporated the stories of people of color, women, and children because he asked if we could.
Including his voice gives him a sense of ownership over what he’s learning now and how he’s spending his time. But if you don’t homeschool, you can still do your own version of this. For instance, you could schedule regular family meetings to discuss ongoing events in your family, gather your children’s input on their schedules, and give them space to voice any concerns or interests they might have.
Even if you aren’t able to accommodate all of their requests, knowing they are heard and have the opportunity to speak can help them start to think about their own needs and goals. This is a huge step toward age-appropriate independence.
3. Encourage Them To Do Things Alone
This one has been a challenge for me because I get anxious that something will happen to my child if he isn’t with me. But kids need to be allowed to develop age-appropriate independence away from their parents. So I have to quiet down those fears and release the reigns now and then (safely, of course).
Right now, our son does little things like running into the pet store to get crickets for his gecko or going into the grocery store to grab milk as I hang back to supervise. He loves that we let him do these things, and he even recently took it upon himself to ask the guy at the pet store about caring for pet turtles (his current want/need).
4. Help With Meal Planning
If you are already into meal planning, teach your tween about your process and invite them to plan out a few days of the week on their own. Go over everything you consider when making your own plan, like grocery budget, nutrients, and what everyone in the house likes, and see what they come up with. You’ll probably be surprised by how thoughtful your tween can be.
Of course, the best payoff is when it comes time to help them learn how to cook — and you get the night off!
5. Don't Stick Around When You Drop Them Off
By the time your kid hits the tween years, it’s unlikely they’re expecting (or wanting) you to stick around at the homes of their friends when you drop them off.
The same is true for other outings. If you’re both comfortable, play around with dropping your kid off at the movies with friends or maybe even letting your kid roam around the mall with friends on their own. You can even be in the same building, maybe just not exactly right there with them.
These are little ways to help foster age-appropriate independence in your child. Of course, every child is different, so experiment with what works best for you and your family.
And don’t forget, when in doubt, talk to your child. There may be things they want to do that you never would have thought of that can encourage their growth and development.
