The tween years are filled with all kinds of moments. Some of these moments are sweet, and some are not, but they're moments nonetheless. If your tween is anything like mine, they might be getting interested in having a relationship with another tween, or they at least might be beginning to talk about doing so. What are we as parents supposed to think about tween relationships?
My son is actually a bit of a mess: He began expressing a strong interest in having girlfriends when he started preschool at age 3. Since then, he has engaged in numerous relationships that have all been pretty adorable. They've also been very sweet and age-appropriate. And obviously, the last thing any adult needs to do to young kids is to put an adult label on their behavior — so we've just let him enjoy having lots of friends who are boys and girls.
As we usher in the tween years, however, it's become clear that something is shifting a little bit. And with that shift comes a great parenting challenge: staying super cool while your tween starts to explore actual relationships with other tweens.
Step 1: Don't make a big deal out of it.
We learned early on that the worst thing we could possibly do is to make a big deal about ANY relationship that our son has, with anyone. Whether it seems like someone is a friend or someone is possibly something more, the last thing we need to do is imply anything out of the ordinary is happening. I think most of us can remember what it feels like when someone does that, and it's pretty rotten and, frankly, annoying.
Step 2: Learn about their new friend.
I don't mean get creepy and cyber-stalk their family, but you can make sure you're asking a few questions about your tween's potential love interest without being a total weirdo about it. If your tween starts mentioning the same person again and again, ask a few questions! Find out what their new friend is into and why your kid likes to hang out with them. I guarantee you'll get a lot more insight than you might think.
Step 3: Facilitate hangouts.
My kid is definitely more of an extroverted, in-person type of guy when it comes to hanging with his friends. While he definitely has that #onlychild thing where he's happy to spend time with just himself for forever, he strongly prefers hanging out with his friends at our place, their place, outside, etc., versus meeting up online to play video games. So we've made a point of making it easy for him and his new most important friend to hang out. Bonus: We get to observe them in real time, without being creepy!
Step 4: Make sure the lines of communication are open.
I especially have a great relationship with my son right now, and we can and do talk about everything. I don't know if this will always be true, but I love that it's true for now. One way that I've really tried to nurture this is by always having a genuine interest in at least a handful of things my son is interested in, which has really helped us build a relationship where we can talk about a lot together. Since we like a lot of the same TV shows and books, I can draw on those to help conversations about people he knows and is interested in by asking questions and making comparisons to media we both understand.
Step 5: Always be ready for changes.
I think pretty much any parent will tell you this universal parenting truth: Just when you think you have a handle on a situation or behavior with your kid, that situation or behavior will change. So whatever is working for my tween in his life right now might not work for him in the future. That's a huge thing that I try to keep in mind as he begins navigating more adult roles … because my whole job is to help him figure out how to do it well.
