Boundaries, when it comes to families and children, are tricky. What's totally normal in one family would not fly in another, such as punishing a niece or nephew. These situations, though complicated, could be avoided.
One woman found herself in a complicated situation when a something came up during a sleepover with her sister's children. She took to Reddit to explain how an old family photo led to her telling her sister's children that her sister is a transgender woman.
Though the original poster was looking for support, she quickly found that there was little sympathy for her making a major call that would send a ripple effect through her sister's family when it wasn't her place to say anything at all.
It all started with a family picture.
OP explained that the situation began with an old family photo on display in her home.
"Her kids were having a sleepover," she explained. "We've always had this picture of my family up from when we were really young, and this was the FIRST time her kids ever asked about it. She has also seen the picture and never commented on it. They asked who she was in the picture."
OP explained that her sister, a trans woman, began transitioning as a teen.
"My sister started transitioning in high school so I don't really think of her as 'trans,'" she noted.
"Like I know she wasn't always a woman but old pictures of her are just pictures of her to me. And I sort of assume people know and it's not a big dark secret."
OP decided to tell the truth, not thinking about the consequences.
"Naturally, I responded honestly. I told them that was their mom, her daughter said she looked like a boy, and I said she was," OP shared.
"I tried to explain that she was a boy but now she's not and her son thought it was funny, but it made her daughter really upset. I was surprised she kept it from them."
If you thought OP immediately told her sister, you thought wrong.
OP seemed to hope the problem would go away, but this sort of thing doesn't work that way.
"It didn't come up again after that, her and her husband picked the kids up eventually and neither kid seemed upset about it. Overall it was a pretty good sleepover," she remarked.
"A few hours later, I have her husband on the phone asking what I said and calling me 'insane.' He said my sister is 'distraught,'" OP revealed.
"He was saying I outed her and how cruel that was, but kids are pure. Outing means nothing to them because you can teach them empathy and understanding. There's nothing to be afraid of, being outed to a kid."
OP apologized, but it fell a little flat.
OP did apologize, after which her sister finally spoke to her.
"I eventually got her on the phone and she said she's really upset with me but she understands I didn't mean to cause any harm. I asked her if she was ever planning to tell her kids and she said she wasn't sure," OP wrote.
"I was SHOCKED at that. My sister isn't typically a dishonest person. AT ALL. Both kids even know they're adopted. I told her I did her kids a favour, which I believe, and then she said I'm never sorry about anything."
If OP was looking for sympathy, Reddit wasn't the place to find it.
There wasn't a commenter on Reddit who wasn't ready to explain to OP all the reasons why it wasn't her place to say anything.
"You should have told her to ask her parents about it and moved on," one commenter wrote. "I understand that you didn't intend to cause a problem, but being thoughtless about something can still be being an AH. I'm glad it doesn't seem to be causing a permanent rift between you and your sister, but definitely YTA here."
"Even if she's never ready, it doesn't matter" one commenter noted. "If it somehow comes out that she's trans as an adult, they're not going to 'distrust" her if she says 'I and some other trans people prefer to just be thought of by our gender, not our birth genitals, once we transition. I'm not ashamed of being trans, I simply did not feel the fact I once had a penis (or still has if she's not chosen surgery, either is valid) was relevant to my relationship with you as your mother. If you have questions, I can answer them now though.'
"Sometimes people don't want to put the fact that they are trans or under the trans umbrella their whole life … It's not a matter of 'trust' because it's not a bad secret. That's like saying 'your kids won't trust you because they never knew you liked pineapple on pizza!' or 'your kids will think you're untrustworthy because you didn't tell them you prefer Need for Speed games over Gran Turismo games'. That distrust reasoning is just dumb."
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