Birthday parties are a big deal for kids — and that's because the whole day focuses on them. It's also a big milestone for parents, since it's a great way to acknowledge that another year has passed and that your child is growing up. But some people have an issue with shared birthdays. For many kids who aren't twins or multiples, they may feel a bit shafted.
One mom was so worried that she accidentally did this to her daughter that she asked Reddit to help clear her conscience. She went to Reddit's popular "Am I the [Expletive]" forum and talked about her two children. Her daughter just turned 2. Her son, from a prior relationship, had turned 4 just months prior.
"It was recently brought to my attention how much something I did bothered my daughter's father," she wrote. "Last year I threw a party for my 2 year old daughter and included my 4 year old (not biologically his) in the celebration of the happy birthday song and got them each a cake."
"While it wasn't my sons birthday (his was 3 months prior), I had decided to include him for a couple of reasons," she said. "This was the first year he really actually became excited at the idea that it was his birthday and he had really wanted to invite the neighbor kids when it was his birthday but it was during the height of Covid so we just did a small dinner amongst family." Many parents can relate.
COVID-19 has canceled many events, and it's been hard to talk to kids about it — especially kids that young. It's hard for them to realize that the elaborate birthday parties they may see on television aren't feasible in real life — just yet. So this mom felt bad for her son, who had a small, family-only party earlier, before the vaccinations started becoming more accessible.
Now things are slowly getting better — and the weather has improved, making outdoor gatherings much easier. "When my daughters birthday came along we ended up throwing a party with the neighbors, rented a bounce house, etc. Her dad has recently been bringing up how I took away from my daughters special day for doing that," she said.
"After having it pointed out that i took away from my daughters birthday, now I am feeling guilty for doing that," she said. "Am I the jerk for not letting it just be about her?"
While she has a right to feel a bit guilty, she shouldn't feel terrible. She wanted to make both of her kids feel special this year.
She made sure to add that before the party, her daughter's father was well-aware of her intentions. "I had mentioned getting two cakes so we could sing to both since my son didn’t get to do that with the neighbors and we looked at which cakes to get but nothing was brought up or said at the time," she said. "There were never any plans to have a repeat of doing that on future birthdays."
Most of Reddit agreed that she was trying to do the right thing.
Nothing seemed malicious with this. Plus, at that age, the kids will be too young to really remember how things went down. "It's easy to understand why you did what you did. It's also easy to understand why a parent arriving to celebrate their child's birthday might not be pleased to see that it’s a shared birthday with someone they have no relationship with," wrote soupandsalt5.
Still, some people felt like a line was crossed.
Jamcmiller96 thinks that in a situation like this, the mom is teaching the son that he can always have what he wants, at the expense of others. "I'll admit that this is a crazy time, but you're teaching your son that he can pretty much have whatever he wants, whenever, especially when it's your daughter's birthday," they said. "You could've done something a little different prior than, but not on the day of. I get what you were trying to do, and it was a great gesture, just at the wrong time."
If they had another celebration on a different day, it may have been more helpful. However, it makes sense that the mom wouldn't want to throw two separate parties. "It was supposed to be your daughters special day," wrote One-Bug1625. "And you couldn't let your precious little boy not be the center of attention. You daughter has learned who is more important."
Many Redditors felt like this year she could get a pass. Since the world more or less stopped, they felt like there were a lot of catch-ups and makeups for kids in general. But any other year this may seem like a bad move. It's important for her to explain to her son that from here on out, her daughter's birthday is all for her.
Otherwise, she's setting him up for disappointment next year.
Being very clear about birthdays and expectations is very important here. Believe it or not, many parents do try to share birthdays among siblings since they're too afraid of a tantrum or fallout otherwise. While that temporary disappointment may be tough to handle, it's crucial for parents not to take shortcuts or give in.
"Preschoolers are naturally egocentric," parent educator Tanya Bartram told Today's Parent. "So, they tend to feel put out when someone else is getting all the attention." But in separating birthdays, you're teaching your child a valuable lesson: Not everything is about them. And if parents give in once, they may find themselves in a dangerous cycle.
She had some good suggestions to approach the topic that wouldn't lead to tears or fighting. "Preschoolers don’t have a good grasp of time, and will have some trouble understanding the idea that their own birthdays will come at a later date," she said. "You can talk about it in terms of taking turns, which most preschoolers are learning about, and say, 'This day is your brother's turn, but on this day' — marking it on the calendar — 'it will be your turn.'"
This mom could have handled things better.
AngeCatBech said it best. " I’m a big believer of always having two separate parties for each child," they wrote. "For this situation specifically, if the kids didn’t mind I don’t think it's a big deal. I also think the father of your daughter is just scared that she will always be lumped in with your child which is also a completely reasonable fear." So maybe she gets a pass this time — but in the future, their parties should be separate.
Based on what she wrote, this wasn't a move out of spite. In the moment, it made sense — and she hadn't seen her daughter's father's perspective on things. If it was that big of a concern, he also could have brought it up before the party started. In the future, when pandemics aren't a threat to birthdays, this move may have raised a few more eyebrows.
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