Allison Holker is opening up about finding her way through grief after the death of her husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss. On the latest episode of The Viall Files podcast with host Nick Viall, she revealed that after Stephen's suicide, she would talk to him to find peace.
The DJ and executive producer on the Ellen DeGeneres Show died by suicide on December 13, 2022. He was 40 years old at the time. “No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn’t want people to know,” Allison told People in May 2023. “He just wanted to be everyone’s Superman and protector.”
The dancer was found at the Oak Tree Inn motel in Encino, California, with a self-inflicted gunshot wound, which is how he died, according to the coroner's report. His death hit many hard, especially his family, including the three children he shared with Allison: Weslie, Maddox, and Zaia. His widow talked about how she managed to cope.
“I was talking to him really actively,” Allison said. “I talked to him almost every single night, a really long time. It would be about anything and everything. It could be how was the day today? …Or I would be really upset and yelling at him sometimes.”
More from LittleThings: New Details Emerge About The Heartbreaking Death By Suicide Of Stephen 'tWitch' Boss
“There's times I've just screamed and there's times I've been like, 'Okay, I'm picking a school for the kids. What do you think of this school?’ And then just wait for an answer," she continued. "Yeah. You know, and so it's all sorts of different kinds of things that we would talk about.”
She went on to open up about "the most healing" and biggest conversation she had with him after his death. “I was outside and I was looking at the stars and I said — whether it was necessary or not, I don't know if it was necessary or needed — but I forgave him,” she said. “And I said, ‘I hope you found that peace.’ Like, genuinely, I really hope he found that peace that he needed and that he felt like he needed. You know? And that's a really hard thing to do.”
“But, I just have so much that I want, I needed to allow myself to almost be free of that for him,” she went on. “And so we just had this long dialogue and I did. I was like, 'I forgive you and I hope you have that peace. And I've got it and I've got the kids, we've got each other. We're gonna be okay.’”
She continued talking about how she still feels the presence of her late husband. “He's still protecting me. I still feel him. My kids talk about that as well,” she said. “And his love that was so great for us is still with us. You know? And so for me, I just try to hold onto that and remember that I'm still gonna have dark days. I'm still gonna have a lot of lows. There's still so many things in this journey that I still haven't experienced, but it's all about the way you choose to move through it."
“It'd be very easy for me and I've had a lot of people say to me, ‘Why don't you just go get crazy? Or why don't you just, you know, cry in a corner for a little bit?’" she said. "Honestly, a lot of people would like to see me crying in a corner, which I've done. A lot of people would like to see me still there.”
She went on to talk about the support that she's been surrounded by, with Ellen DeGeneres being a large part of that system. "Ellen was a huge support system for me and still is like, you know, she just always would have such wise words for me. And I really would say that outside of me and some of our dearest friends, she knew him better than anyone too.”
Note: If you or any of your loved ones are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can always reach out to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling 988. They are available 24/7 by phone or online chat.
