It’s no surprise that student mental health is in crisis. The American Psychological Association reports that during the 2020–2021 school year, more than 60% of college students met the criteria for at least one mental health problem, according to the Healthy Minds Study, which collects data from 373 campuses nationwide.
With this in mind, parents can take steps to mentally prepare their incoming college freshman, according to Juliet Lam Kuehnle, a National Board Certified Counselor and therapist and author of the new book Who You Callin’ Crazy?!: The Journey from Stigma to Therapy.
“Parents can help their kids ‘cope ahead,’ meaning while we can't always anticipate what stressors might be, we sometimes can and we can ensure our kids know what coping strategies are available to them,” says Kuehnle. “Coping ahead is when we make a plan for dealing with a future stressful situation. Parents can discuss potential scenarios and situations with their teens and help them identify their strengths and how they might apply certain coping skills. This will help the teen feel more prepared.”
“Coping skills are very individualized and unique and are not about making the uncomfortable feeling completely go away, but about soothing it so that we can still do what we need to do,” says Kuehnle.
“Coping skills can include avoidance and distraction techniques which are necessary from time to time, but should be used intentionally and infrequently. They also include emotion-oriented coping skills, which are the types of things you learn in therapy: journaling, grounding skills, breathing techniques. Help your child identify 20 things that help them feel more present, more grounded, safe in their bodies. Some examples are calling a friend, writing down their thoughts, box breathing, meditating, listening to their favorite music, crying, asking for help, and so many more.”
Once in college, there are ways parents can check in on their child’s mental health, even if they live on campus. “We all know that teens are only going to reveal what they want to reveal,” says Kuehnle. “But, I don't want this to discourage parents from having ongoing conversations about mental health. Before your kid goes to college, collaborate with them to come up with a plan that feels good to both parties about how often you might check-in, what some ‘red flags’ are, whether or not the kid feels they can be honest or if they might prefer talking with a therapist, etc. Of course, all of this needs to remain flexible as they get to school and really settle into their new lifestyle and schedule, but this will at least give you a framework to start.
"I then encourage parents to stick with that plan and consistently assess it and be direct in conversations with your child. Don't be afraid to ask things like: are you feeling overwhelmed by stress, are you having trouble sleeping, do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself, etc?”
There are also some telltale signs to watch for if your child is having a tough time at school:
“Two things I always encourage parents to look for is if the child has veered from their typical baseline of functioning or if any of their functioning is impaired (socially, academically, occupationally, etc.),” advises Kuehnle. “Of course this can be hard for a parent to gauge from afar since they are no longer seeing the day-to-day behavior or attitude of the child. But you'll know certain things you can use to gauge — are they withdrawing and avoiding, do they appear visibly different on FaceTime, are their grades slipping, are they constantly seeking reassurance for worries, has their affect flattened, are they consistently complaining about friendships and relationships?"
Depending on what your child shares will determine your next steps. “Sometimes they just need to vent and they'll be sensitive to your potential ‘overreaction,’” says Kuehnle. “I encourage parents to ask directly: Is this a time you want me to help problem-solve or just listen? Of course, if it's more serious or something you don't feel equipped to help with, let your kid know there are options and people who are trained to help. Depending on the situation (i.e. they are having thoughts of harming themselves or others) you may need to notify the school immediately and ask for a wellness check. If it's increasing anxiety or depressive symptoms, meeting with a therapist may help build their coping toolbox and reduce symptoms. A lot of college campuses have a counseling center which may be a good place to start — either to receive services or ask for referrals. Many college counseling centers are only equipped to meet with students for short-term services (maybe six to eight sessions) or they may not have the capacity to meet with the student. In that case, there are plenty of options for searching for an outpatient therapist with availability (i.e. Psychology Today).”
Depression and anxiety among college students can be attributed to a few things. “It's a huge transition to go off independently and be in charge of one's time, activities of daily living, choices, schedule, relationships, accountability,” says Kuehnle. “This can be a really overwhelming adjustment for teens, particularly if they already struggled with any of these mental illnesses. It can feel like there's an enormous amount of pressure. A lot of this is rooted in social comparison — wanting to keep up with their peers, for example. We also see a lot of perfectionism in this pressure-filled environment and teens who push themselves to the max and don't prioritize self-care and balance.”
There are pros and cons to living on or off campus. “This is really dependent on a person's individual mental health, temperament, and home life,” says Kuehnle. “Someone at home may feel some sense of relief to have their familiar space to come back to, but they also may feel more isolated and lonely, for example.”
Parents can stay connected with their kids and keep their relationship strong even after they move out. “Maybe a weekly FaceTime or text check-ins,” says Kuehnle. “You know your kid, maybe sending memes allows you to feel connected or maybe you need to hear their voice. You'll want to give them flexibility and a say in what will work for them. This is part of their autonomy at this stage. There will have to be a balance of meeting both people's needs.”
If you do think our child needs to seek professional help, Kuehnle says, “Many of their friends are likely in therapy or have been. That said, if they are resistant, it's helpful to share how normal and typical it is to experience whatever it is they're experiencing and that there's no need to try to navigate it alone. You can reiterate how we all have mental health and that it is foundational to our overall health. Therapy is one way to take care of it.”
