When two parents have moved on from their relationship, it can sometimes be hard to blend someone new into the picture. Ideally, the co-parents will work together and come up with a plan that prioritizes their children and that everyone feels comfortable with.
Unfortunately, things don't always work out that way in real life. One mom recently shared her situation on Reddit, and it sounds like it's a pretty tough one.
The mom explains that she and her ex weren't together that long.
"I have two kids ages 11f and 9m," she begins. "Ex and I were young parents and broke up the day our son was born. He married his wife Kate when our kids were 4 and 2. It's been a wild ride."
He tried to change their custody plan early on.
"When ex first married Kate he filed to change our custody plan to 50-50 which wasn't possible before because he worked as a truck driver and was away a lot. He wanted the kids at his house with Kate even if he wasn't going to be there. The judge rejected it and the custody remained in place for another two years until he left that job so he could have more time with the kids. Then custody went to 50-50."
Then he started asking his ex to split Mother's Day.
"Ex and Kate have always referred to her as Mom Kate. The kids call her Kate. When custody went to 50-50 ex asked me to split mothers day with them so the kids could celebrate with 'both moms' equally. I said no. I got Mother's Day just like he got Father's Day. It caused some tension but I had the court order to back me up."
The mom refuses to share her role with his wife.
"There has been tension and drama over how the kids refer to Kate, their relationship with her vs their relationship with me and how I have never accepted shared mom role with Kate. The truth is I have always felt like she is secondary to me and my ex. Still an active part of their lives. Still has her opinions and requests. But that ex and I are the ones who should be dealing with the nitty gritty stuff."
Now he's going behind her back and getting the kids directly involved.
"I found out six weeks ago that ex has asked the kids twice to ask me to let them go to his house for half of Mother's Day. It came up when my son told me dad asked them to tell me we needed to talk about Kate being their mom. He asked me what I wanted them to tell their dad, I said nothing, I would talk to dad, they didn't need to. He then told me he was surprised they said anything since they obviously never asked to go their for Mother's Day and how he always waited for them to say they hadn't done it either time."
She told him to stop.
"I told him not to drag our kids into it. He told me I was being unfair. That Kate has been around long enough to be seen as their mom too. Especially as the mother to their other siblings and how I need to start treating her as such."
Things got worse after her daughter was sick at school.
"It got worse when two weeks ago my daughter was sick and she had the school call me instead of Kate (it was ex's parenting time and Kate should have been the first call technically but my daughter asked the school nurse to call me). When I called ex after taking my daughter home things blew up because he was pissed my daughter asked that I be called and also pissed when our daughter didn't want to go with Kate when she arrived to pick her up."
Now things are extra tense.
"They are saying I have poisoned the kids against Kate by not encouraging them to love and treat her the same as me and because I have refused to give up the role of sole mom and share the role with the other woman who is also their mother. It has become a very tense dispute because I don't see what I have done as wrong. But I guess what they are saying bothers me enough to wonder."
The mom is wondering if she has done anything wrong.
Since things are getting a little dramatic, the mom is now second-guessing herself — but people on Reddit are totally backing her up.
"You’re not sharing the role of mom," said a commenter. "You are their mom. She is their step mom. She doesn’t have the same parenting rights, same relationship, same anything as you, and she shouldn’t!
"It sounds like your ex wants to replace you with her- it doesn’t work like that. He needs to get over it. And if Kate has biological children, she should understand how fair their treatment of you is."
This situation will likely come back to bite the dad.
"People who treat kids like they are property and use petty manipulation tactics on them (like dad did by asking the kids to talk to mom instead of being a big boy and doing it himself) are the reason that kids tend to gravitate towards the other parent," noted a commenter. "Whether the resentment comes now, or later when they’re more aware of it, it doesn’t matter, it WILL happen. And when it does, the parent that did it dug their own grave."
One person says the stepmom needs to 'stay in her lane.'
"Think of it this way," posed the commenter, "if ex were to die, would Kate in any way be given any type of custody? Likely not. She is not their parent, not even legally. She needs to stay in her own lane and be a mother to her own kids."
Another person echoed this: Stepparents need to slow down.
"Hijacking the top comment to say as a mother and stepmother I strongly believe it takes a village to raise a child. That being said, tourists don't get to come in and tell the mayor how to run things. Even if they are in the village for a while. I'm tired of seeing all these step parents overstep and then everyone is surprised Pikachu face when the kids end up resenting them AND the bio parent attached to the step."
These things can really backfire.
"I was exposed to the same as a kid," said a commenter. "Suddenly and very quickly I had to love this stranger and let her into my life. I felt incredibly forced on an emotional level and it just made me hate her and my dad. He believed my mother was behind it but she never did anything to make me hate her. My father and his new woman did that all by themselves. I have no relationship with her today and almost none with my father."
In the end, their stepmother has no rights.
"She is their STEP mom. You are there ACTUAL mom," said another commenter. "While they can celebrate her it needs to be on ANOTHER day. She is not 'another' mom. She is a step mom. If your ex had a heart attack and died she wouldn't even be a step mom any more. She would have zero rights to YOUR kids."
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
