The holiday season can be a stressful, hectic time. It is difficult to juggle seeing all of your extended family members and carving out some special time with your immediate family.
One man took to Reddit’s popular "Am I the [expletive]" forum to ask if he was in the wrong for not wanting to host his ex’s son for the holidays. He was never married to the boy’s mother and only sporadically keeps in touch with him. This is his new family’s first Christmas together, and he would prefer to keep it to just him, his wife, and their newborn.
He was not a stepdad.
The man begins his post: "Trying to be concise. I was with my ex for about 7 years (never married), lived together the last 4.Broke up 3 years ago. She has a 21 year old son 'Shane' who is now going to college in a town I have since moved to that his parents do not live in (about 6 hour drive). We've moderately kept in touch since the breakup, mostly just when he reaches out to me. I would have preferred a clean break from both him and his mom but have a hard time totally shutting people out. I have not seen Shane in person since he was 18."
The man has since moved on and married.
"Anyway, I got married last year and welcomed my first child 6 months ago," the original poster (OP) continues. "This will be my first Christmas with my wife and Child. Shane was going to go visit where his mom lives now for Christmas but do to a pending storm, its uncertain if he will be able to travel there. He called me last night and asked if he could spend Christmas with me…I was definitely got off guard and told him while its good to hear from him, it will be my first Christmas as a whole family and would prefer to keep it to just us and maybe her parents who will stop by later. Shane was very upset, told me I was replacing him. I tried to reason with him that this is just what happens when adults move on in life. I said we could still keep in touch but I wanted Christmas just with my family since it is our first one."
Never text when angry.
"He hung up and then later sent me a long text saying some not super nice things. My wife is glad I said no but at the same time says she empathizes with how he feels and I should apologize but not necessarily have him over, but would support me if thats what I want." OP concludes by asking, "AITA for not wanting him to come over for Christmas?"
Some users think the man should remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Opinions are divided in this case. Many think the original poster has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. One commenter wrote, “Yikes dude. He was your stepkid basically for 7 years. He's stranded for Christmas. Would it seriously hurt you if he came for Christmas? I am grossed out by this, ngl. If virtually anyone I have a stable relationship of any kind with asked if they could come to my house for Christmas, I would say yes, because it's [expletive] Christmas.”
Many agree.
Another commenter agrees, writing, “This just hits wrong on so many levels. At the very least he could have invited him for xmas dinner if he didn't want to spend the whole day with him. Geez, I have had perfect strangers over for xmas dinner.”
Some believe that the man is in the clear.
Other users on the site completely disagree. “You and your ex broke up years ago. You have your little family now. Yeah the baby might not remember their first Christmas, but you and your wife will. Happy holidays,” writes one user.
Others are in agreement.
“He is not his kid. Why should OP be blamed for wanting to celebrate Christmas with his actual family?” a user asks. Another states: “OP has a wife and baby. They take priority and wife would have been uncomfortable.”
Some have a more 'middle of the road' approach.
Some commenters do not want to put a label on it. “I'm not necessarily calling him an a** hole per say, but I definitely wouldn't exclude him from my Christmas. In fact, I make sure the people I know have someplace to be and if they don't then they can join me at my family's. I've spent Christmas with people I've just met, so I definitely wouldn't exclude someone who considers me somewhat of a father figure,” one user writes.
It's important to communicate boundaries.
Another commenter thinks this situation is a bigger conversation: “Shane seems to have seen you as a father figure OP. You say his mom didn't want you to be – and to her and to you – you weren't. Shane though, saw you as one, hence his insistence to keep contact with you. You need to set him straight and tell him where you stand. Your limited contact even after your break up with his mom has lead to this. He feels you are obligated to host him because at one point you cared for his mother and in turn for him. And since you stayed in contact (even if it was low contact) you still talked to him and engaged. So in his mind you still cared / care, hence the reaction.”
No clear answers.
Seems like the original poster is left with no clear consensus. He will have to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right. That’s all one can ever really do, after all.
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