When it comes to having adult children, it can be difficult to figure out where to draw the line. New boundaries emerge, and it can be hard to let go of old ones. It can be even harder when you're already dealing with plenty of change as it is, like one woman on Reddit, who is a recent widow, discovered.
"I'm a widow living with my son Jason (21) in an apartment," she wrote. "He works a day job from 8am to 2pm. Lately he's been having problems with his car breaking down for several reasons. He is planning on getting it fixed at the end of this month."
One of the problems of moms? They tend to worry a lot. And that seemed to be the key issue that this mom suffered from when her son failed to arrive home at his normal time.
"The situation took place yesterday," she wrote. "When Jason was at work and didn't come home til 5. He's usually home at 2:30pm. I called him several times starting from 2:30pm but got no response. I tried every 10 minutes but he didn't pick up."
Her first step was trying to call his coworker.
"At 4pm I called his friend who's a co-worker of his but he said he didn't know whether Jason got off work or not," she said. "He already called Jason but got no response. It occured to me to call his boss as last resort because I legitimately started worrying because like I said the car Jason drives isn't stable."
"I asked Jason's friend to text me his boss's number and I made the call almost immediately," she said. "His boss told me Jason was working extra hours til 5 and assured me everything was fine. Just that Jason had been busy with work."
But this move greatly embarrassed him.
Your mom calling your boss can be a little embarrassing, to say the least, and the relationship between the two changed shortly after it happened. "Jason came home, stayed quiet when eating his meal and pretty much ignored my questions about why he didn't bother to text back and ease my worried, racing mind," she said. "He looked at me then told me he's planning on moving out soon."
"I don't pressure him to pay rent or take his time to help with anything," she said, mentioning her surprise. "He blew up suddenly saying he was not a kid and that I should've never called his boss and made a fool of him like that just because he was 2 hrs or so late for lunch. He called me controlling and paranoid. He said this doesn't seem to work because despite the fact that he's an adult I still treat him like a 10 year old chasing after him whenever he goes just because he lives with me."
Jason told her it was because he needed his freedom.
"[He] claimed I have no respect for him as an adult," she said. "I argued that it wasn't like I was treating him like a kid but was just worried and quite honestly frustrated to not recieve a text back after I stated I was worried for him. I mean he could've been involved in an accident for all I know. He said those thoughts were my problem and insisted on moving out next month. We haven't talked all day and he spent his time in his room by himself."
It's easy to see both sides of the coin here. Was calling his boss the right move? Probably not. However, he wasn't answering his phone. And sometimes, in the middle of panic, people don't think clearly. But … there's another factor here.
She didn't want to lose two of the most important people in her life.
In another comment, she mentioned that she lost her husband in 2020 due to cancer. Surely, the grief is still there, and she's trying to figure out a new arrangement with her son. It makes sense that she may get a little overprotective, but it's important that she works hard to solve this issue unless she wants to lose contact with her son altogether.
But most of Reddit seemed to think that she was definitely in the wrong.
One Redditor wrote: "It sounds like he's sorta on the money here. If he's at work, he's probably busy. You shouldn't expect a response every time you get a message, most work places have a no cellphone policy anyways."
Others felt like this was probably not the first time something like this has happened.
"I'm guessing people with reasonable boundaries usually will get updated if something weird happens," wrote another commenter. "I'm guessing [the original poster's] son doesnt tell OP anything so he can get some amount of breathing room."
It's possible his mom has become so overbearing that she's straining the relationship without fully realizing it.
It's important to imagine this arrangement as if he didn't live at home. When she's not watching his every move, she'll realize that his life is something she can't constantly control. Would she be this level of worried every time her son left the house if he no longer lived with her?
It's probably time for this mom to see a therapist.
Therapy could do wonders for her, with the right match. She'll likely talk to her therapist about the loss of her husband and transitioning to being a parent of an adult and not a child.
There's a lot to unpack here, but hopefully these two mend things. Her son living in his own place will be healthy for both of them.
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